Spiritual Things Matter

We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe. ~Cardinal Newman

I have given much thought to the recent events that took place at Virginia Tech, and why a human being would allow himself to get to a place of such evil – assuming he was not mentally ill. I thought about the scripture that speaks of having “the conscience seared with a hot iron” found in I Tim.4:2. This verse is very revealing when looked at closer.

When I heard about this young man’s feelings of isolation and extreme loneliness, I could not help but reflect on my own sense of aloneness that I experienced all of my childhood and young adulthood. Having been placed in an orphanage between the ages of 1-2, and then having had a different social worker every 2 years as I grew older, had brought into my life a sense of uncertainty and lack of security. During my years in the orphanage, I lost my brother. Also, I had numerous other challenges to deal with while living in a group dynamic. When I was 14 years old, I came to the United States not knowing how to speak English, and was placed in a strange home where I did not know anyone. The family I lived with had many problems, and I became a threat upon which others would vent their hate and anger. It was not a home at all but simply a place where I lived.

My pain went beyond words, and my loneliness was beyond description. There was no way for me to escape. I felt trapped in an environment that was truly poisonous. I did not fit in at school because I could not even communicate. Once I was able to communicate at some level, I still felt isolated and different from the rest. When I was 15, I began to work – in addition to going to school, and I had to deal with many of the same issues in the workplace.

I moved away when I was 19, and began my own life. I have suffered extreme depression and a sense of isolation and disconnection from the world. Because I was not familiar enough with the health field or where to get information for help, I lived with my pain alone and dealt with my depression alone. I did not even fully understand that I was suffering from depression. I often would have deep sobbing periods, and I always thought it was simply because I did not have anyone in my own life. At work, no one ever knew what my interior make-up was like. For the most part, I suffered in silence.

I married my husband at 26 years old and had my first child at age 36. My husband and I have been married 18 years now, and at times I reflect on all that I have come through. I have been asked -”How did you do it?” The only answer that I could possibly give is God. My isolation and aloneness brought me to a place to seek meaning in my life. I sought God because I believed there was a God. I chose to follow a higher calling of love and mercy because that is what I desired most in my life. I chose to seek ways to rid myself of the internalized anger which had expressed itself in depression and times of deep sorrow and sobbing. I chose to find ways of wholeness for my troubled mind and my broken heart.

I am 45 years old now with two wonderful children in my life that challenge my way of thinking and being in this world. They draw me out when often I would prefer to stay within myself. My children bring laughter to my heart when at times I simply feel alone and melancholy. My husband and I can talk about any subject under the sun, which is a gift that I have learned to cherish more and more as the years go on. We deal with real life issues as all couples do, and look at our relationship in the most honest and realistic way possible. It is good to be in a relationship where there is nothing to hide. We both feel fortunate for that and our love has deepened because of it.

It is because of these and many other positive events and relationships that I’ve been able to look at life in a new way and in a much more positive light. These have strengthened me, challenged me, and helped me to stretch and grow.

It is clear that we as human beings have a choice to make while on this earth. We can choose with what ideals we want to identify. What principles speak loudest to us in the deepest parts of ourselves? This can be made most clear to us when there are times of extreme pressure and pain in our lives.

Blaming society and circumstances because of our perceived lack is only a “joining together” of a very negative belief system which will then set forth a systematic discourse of how we choose to live our lives. Where does this blaming take us? What light or insight is there in groveling in the filth of disparity and fear? What positive and creative potential could possibly lie in such a self-abhorring mentality? It only will lead to an unhealthy projection outward of that which so troubles the heart and mind within oneself.

It is so unfortunate –again assuming that he was able to make a healthy choice — that this young man chose to kill and take away life instead of contributing to life in some form or fashion. It is so unfortunate that he never was able to find a meaningful way to grow and express himself. It is so unfortunate that he allowed the unjust teasing and embarrassment he received to eat away at him on such a deep level. It is so profoundly sad for all those who stood in his way. How much better would it have been had he only been willing to change and make a life of his own without blaming everyone around him.

While it is true that ultimately we are truly responsible for our own lives, let us take an active part in developing a sharp and focused eye that we might find those lonely hearts and touch them in some meaningful way. A small act of kindness can motivate a human being to find a higher and more meaningful way to live.

I know from experience that those who have been most thoughtful with me have also been the ones who have inspired me to be the very best that I could be.

Love can never be underestimated!

Should you, my dear reader, be one of those lonely hearts, I pray that you will realize what Winston Churchhill said, “Never, never, never give up”. I am conviced that there is always hope!

There are none so blind as the decent. ~Unknown

A young woman we know told so many people that she was dying of cancer. She had been telling this to everyone for over two years now, and has been on her “deathbed” for the past six months. We recently have learned that this story was a big lie. I will spare you all the details of how cleverly she pulled her “act” off since my blog is only about spiritual things that matter. Thus I want to focus my attention to all of you who have truly lived your faith.

I never cease to be amazed at how so many good people, no matter what religious beliefs one may hold, come together in times of crisis and reach out to others in time of need.

Today, I stand and bow in honor to you for having done just that. You have given your heart in purity and deep love. You have given of your strength with such might and fervor. You have given of your time so faithfully – without reserve as only those who value spiritual principles can do. You have given to the least of them and thus you have given to our Heavenly Lord. You have given yourself in prayer – with humility and faithfulness you have asked God for mercy.

You, my dear friends, have done what this world relies on. You have done what this world cannot do without as you stood tall with your armour on as one ready to stand in the gap. It is people like you that bring strength to the weak. It is your quiet strength and your fervent love that bring balance and peace in areas of our existence that perhaps you may never even know. It is you that realize that, “the only way to increase one’s true power in this world is by increasing one’s integrity, understanding and capacity for compassion.” (David R. Hawkings, MD)

There are times, as this situation has shown all of us, that we will be trampled upon. We will be mocked and scoffed. Others may spit in our faces as they laugh and consider us fools. There are those who do not understand spiritual consequences, and who are willing to take advantage of the decent at heart. Those are the sick and spiritually blinded, and those are the people we must continue to pray for.

Today, I pray for wisdom to act on all that which is right and to not allow discouragement to waver our faith. I pray that we will continue to learn to be discerning, and to develop a focused and keen eye as we humbly submit ourselves to our God. I pray for each of you as you have given so much of yourself that you will be strengthened, and that you will continue living your faith as beautifully as you have always done.

Feel your anger, but do not hate. Feel your disappointment, but never give up on your deepest conviction to love. Feel your hurt, but know that God is there for you to mend your broken heart.

Most of all, realize that through your own desire to spiritually evolve and grow, you have already made this world a better place. Your influence goes beyond physical perception and far beyond our limited understanding. Be at peace today my friends and find that stillness deep within yourself to feel the comforting warmth of God.

Thank you to all my sojourners for having dared to love. And love – we will again!

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Many people with whom I come in contact are interested in what happened to my mother. Having a German accent, it is not easy to escape the questions of how it came about that I moved to America. Most of the time, I simply say it is a long story. Though, I do share my story when someone seems particularly interested. Many of my readers have asked some of these questions and thus, I will share this story with you today.

An elderly lady rented out an apartment in her house to my mother while my father, an American G.I., was stationed in Germany during the Berlin Crisis. This lady got to know my mother relatively well and at times would watch over me as a baby. My father eventually finished with his service in the Army and came back to the United States but could not bring my mother and me with him. I don’t know the reasons behind why we couldn’t come with him. Between 1-2 years old, I was put in an orphanage. My brothers (one is a year younger than I am, and my baby brother is about 3 years younger) were also, in time, put in the same orphanage. Eventually, my youngest brother was adopted out of that infant orphanage, and Jean and I were then transferred to a second orphanage for older children. My story,An Easter Package,” on this blog tells the story of how Jean was adopted out as well. I stayed in the orphanage until I was 14 years old – at which time, my father had found me and brought me to the States.

This elderly lady, whom we called “Fraule,” came and visited us about every other Sunday in the orphanage. My mother had already moved out of her apartment and Fraule no longer had any contact with her. Once Jean and I were transferred to the second orphanage, she still would come to see us until I turned about six years old and then Jean and I would take the bus and the trolley from the orphanage to her house and back. I would always make sure that we sat close to the driver so he could tell us where to get off. After a while, I knew the route well. Fraule was, by that time, getting too old to make that trip, but still wanted us to come about every other weekend and also a week or two during vacations.

After Jean was adopted, I would make this trip alone and it became a pattern to which I became accustomed. One day, I arrived at Fraule’s house and as I passed the window, I noticed someone else was sitting in the kitchen with her. I walked in and Fraule introduced me to her. I said hello, but then proceeded to sit down to play with my toys. I kept looking at this woman feeling as though I knew her somehow. Something was different about her. At one point, she asked if I would sit on her lap, but I was way too shy for such a gesture and since I was used to living in an orphanage, we simply did not have that kind of closeness. I was embarrassed and turned her down. The lady frowned on that, but Fraule did not force the issue.

After this woman left, Fraule told me that she was my mother. I looked out of the window to see if I could see her one more time and I was able to watch as she walked away. Little did I know that this would be the only meeting with her for the rest of my life. It was a very strange feeling and I wondered why I did not live with her. Fraule explained that she had many problems and all I really ever learned about her were negative things. When Fraule would get irritated with me, she would always say, “You will grow up just like your mother.” Of course, I had no idea what that meant, but I knew it was not good.

My mother-in-law’s hobby is genealogy and she has become very good at it. She has been able to trace her own history back many generations. Both she and my husband have encouraged me to find my own family for years. About ten years ago, she gave me the name of a German woman who could possibly help me with that search. After a conversation with this woman on the phone, I hired her. In a very short time, she found my mother’s family living in a small town outside of Dresden, East Germany – grandparents, three uncles, an aunt and a number of cousins. I was also surprised to learn that I had another older half-brother whom I had never heard of before. Soon after my family was found, my husband and I flew to Dresden to meet them. It was an exciting time for me. My husband was 100% convinced that they were my family because they all had pointed chins like I do. Tickled with this obvious trait, I was convinced as well.

During our visit, we were treated like royalty and we had such a wonderful time together. However, it was during this visit that I was told about my mother. They said that she had defected from East Germany and left her son behind for her parents to raise and showed little interest in her family. Her brother, a former guard near the East/West German border, let her pass into West Germany for a day of “shopping.” Unfortunately, none of them had anything good to say about her. I was able to see some photos of her when she was younger, and I was surprised at just how much I look like her. For the first time, I felt compassion for this person and my heart went out to her.

After our return, my husband and I talked about my mother extensively, and we both agreed that this is still only one side of the story. Aside from various opinions, we didn’t truely know the conditions behind why my mother decided to leave for West Germany. I made the decision to locate her. I did in fact do so and began to write her letters. I would get answers periodically, but she never answered any questions and I realized that she simply could not face what had happened in her life. I then found out that she was suffering from lung cancer and had been put in the hospital for treatments. Two times, while in Nuernberg, I tried to visit her. Both times, she left until I was back in the States. One of those times, she even checked herself out from the hospital just before I arrived, and then checked herself back in once I had returned to the States.

I realized that she could not face me and I wanted to let her know that it was okay. I wrote her a letter and explained to her that not any kind of explanation was necessary. I have a good life, my own family and my own home. I have aspirations and hopes and all I wanted was to simply wish her peace of mind and wholeness in every area of her life. I ordered flowers for her hospital and then one day, I mustered the courage to actually call her on the telephone while she was in the hospital. I was so afraid because I had pictured in my mind this rough, harsh woman with a deep and tough voice due to all the stories that I had heard about her. However, as the phone rang, and she answered, I had on the other end of the line, a woman with a gentle and kind voice. It was not at all what I had expected.

I was sad for this person because for whatever reasons, she never could find a constructive path for herself. She had suffered in many ways and lost so much. I felt sad for her because her brokenness was deep and unrepairable in this lifetime. I felt sad for her because her natural beauty had been turned into a reflection of lost hope. About a six months after I sent flowers to her hospital room, she passed away. As I wept for her, I could only hope that she had found some peace in her heart. I was reminded of a Christian scripture in Proverbs: “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Prov. 13:12

In a strange way, in some form or fashion, I realized I loved her …. for she was my mother. She was the one who had given birth to me, she was the one who cared for me for that first year of my life. I look like her and yet the words that Fraule so often would say to me, “You will be just like your mother one day,” are words that have no meaning to me. I have been given a life filled with so much mystery, so much adventure and so much hunger to search out true meaning in life. I am deeply thankful for all the gifts that have been given to me, and all the people that have touched my life in a meaningful, lasting way.

Happiness is itself a kind of gratitude. ~Jospeh Wood Krutch

Having read an interesting post by Dr. Helen at www.drhelen.blogspot.com on the effect of women’s anger on men, I brought up this subject with my husband. There are many honest comments on that post that I found very interesting, especially those written by men. I have given this a lot of thought and as my husband and I discussed this again yesterday while hiking, we both agreed that there are many very unrealistic expectations that people have when they enter into relationships – especially marriage. Women, I think, do this even more so than men because we tend to romanticize and idealize a lot more than our men do. Men’s expectations of “never-ending” sex are also realized as an ideal as they continue in marriage or in a long-term partnership. Both parties set themselves up for disappointment and a feeling of victimization.

As I read through the many comments on Dr. Helen’s post, I felt sad for these men. I also felt sad for the women because both partners were obviously hurting. I began to wonder what had happened to their communication over the years. Had the anger become so corrosive that it had even eaten away the ability to communicate? Had the fear of the angry partner become so intimidating that the other just threw up his hands and gave up? Where had the basic respect for each other gone, I wondered?

If growth and change are really desired, each must look within their own heart. One must become honest with themselves over even the slightest matters. No one can bring us happiness. We must take responsibility for our own happiness. It is unfair and impossible to place that task on someone else. True happiness lies deep within us, and nothing on the outside determines that condition. It is amazing how things will adjust themselves in our external world when we begin realize who we really are. We then begin to empower our relationships, and look to them as enhancement and not as fulfillment.

Prayer and meditation are one of the greatest ways to attain such a realization. It takes a focused eye and a determined heart to begin to live a life much more devoted to spiritual things rather than marching to the drums of our materialistic world. It requires a deeper desire to love and to see others in a kinder and a more realistic way. We can begin to pray for others and hold them close to our hearts as we desire change, healing and growth. Most of all, as we begin to shift our focus, we realize a greater love for ourselves. The seed of God is within us. As we begin to nurture that realization, it will begin to become even clearer that the possibilities of such a vision, such a lifestyle – are truly endless. Our ability to choose happiness by choosing God is far greater then we’ve been able to tap into.

Anger is corrosive in every way if it is not looked at and examined honestly. Anger tells us that we are hurting in some way. Anger is not “bad” but it is a signal that something is just not right within us. If we are willing to listen carefully, it will point us in the right direction – but it takes and honest and willing heart to do so. More often then not, we find that much of our anger, which is really pain and fear, is not so much because of the other person as it is within ourselves, and the unrealistic goals and expectations we have set.

The act of giving ourselves to God and turning everything over to Him in our prayers is a way to happiness that will deepen our roots. We will no longer be tossed to and fro each time we feel defensive or afraid, only looking to blame someone else. We will become as a tree planted by rivers of water – the storms may come and go but the planted tree is solid and strong. It will extend kindness and love even though others would rant and rave. It will give with compassion of its nourishing fruits, even though others would only take through greed and fear. Being planted deeply in our convictions to be loving and happy, we will not be moved by fear and intimidation. This kind of compassion and love can only be realized if we fully partake of its Life. Our Source is rich and unending with its creative power to heal and restore even the most difficult of circumstances.

Our search for happiness is our search for God. All else will fall to the wayside and will be realized as hollow and empty. True and lasting happiness can only be found in a living, viable relationship with our Creator God. I am deeply thankful for this reality!