The Power to Choose
We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe. ~Cardinal Newman
I have given much thought to the recent events that took place at Virginia Tech, and why a human being would allow himself to get to a place of such evil - assuming he was not mentally ill. I thought about the scripture that speaks of having “the conscience seared with a hot iron” found in I Tim.4:2. This verse is very revealing when looked at closer.
When I heard about this young man’s feelings of isolation and extreme loneliness, I could not help but reflect on my own sense of aloneness that I experienced all of my childhood and young adulthood. Having been placed in an orphanage between the ages of 1-2, and then having had a different social worker every 2 years as I grew older, had brought into my life a sense of uncertainty and lack of security. During my years in the orphanage, I lost my brother. Also, I had numerous other challenges to deal with while living in a group dynamic. When I was 14 years old, I came to the United States not knowing how to speak English, and was placed in a strange home where I did not know anyone. The family I lived with had many problems, and I became a threat upon which others would vent their hate and anger. It was not a home at all but simply a place where I lived.
My pain went beyond words, and my loneliness was beyond description. There was no way for me to escape. I felt trapped in an environment that was truly poisonous. I did not fit in at school because I could not even communicate. Once I was able to communicate at some level, I still felt isolated and different from the rest. When I was 15, I began to work - in addition to going to school, and I had to deal with many of the same issues in the workplace.
I moved away when I was 19, and began my own life. I have suffered extreme depression and a sense of isolation and disconnection from the world. Because I was not familiar enough with the health field or where to get information for help, I lived with my pain alone and dealt with my depression alone. I did not even fully understand that I was suffering from depression. I often would have deep sobbing periods, and I always thought it was simply because I did not have anyone in my own life. At work, no one ever knew what my interior make-up was like. For the most part, I suffered in silence.
I married my husband at 26 years old and had my first child at age 36. My husband and I have been married 18 years now, and at times I reflect on all that I have come through. I have been asked -”How did you do it?” The only answer that I could possibly give is God. My isolation and aloneness brought me to a place to seek meaning in my life. I sought God because I believed there was a God. I chose to follow a higher calling of love and mercy because that is what I desired most in my life. I chose to seek ways to rid myself of the internalized anger which had expressed itself in depression and times of deep sorrow and sobbing. I chose to find ways of wholeness for my troubled mind and my broken heart.
I am 45 years old now with two wonderful children in my life that challenge my way of thinking and being in this world. They draw me out when often I would prefer to stay within myself. My children bring laughter to my heart when at times I simply feel alone and melancholy. My husband and I can talk about any subject under the sun, which is a gift that I have learned to cherish more and more as the years go on. We deal with real life issues as all couples do, and look at our relationship in the most honest and realistic way possible. It is good to be in a relationship where there is nothing to hide. We both feel fortunate for that and our love has deepened because of it.
It is because of these and many other positive events and relationships that I’ve been able to look at life in a new way and in a much more positive light. These have strengthened me, challenged me, and helped me to stretch and grow.
It is clear that we as human beings have a choice to make while on this earth. We can choose with what ideals we want to identify. What principles speak loudest to us in the deepest parts of ourselves? This can be made most clear to us when there are times of extreme pressure and pain in our lives.
Blaming society and circumstances because of our perceived lack is only a “joining together” of a very negative belief system which will then set forth a systematic discourse of how we choose to live our lives. Where does this blaming take us? What light or insight is there in groveling in the filth of disparity and fear? What positive and creative potential could possibly lie in such a self-abhorring mentality? It only will lead to an unhealthy projection outward of that which so troubles the heart and mind within oneself.
It is so unfortunate –again assuming that he was able to make a healthy choice — that this young man chose to kill and take away life instead of contributing to life in some form or fashion. It is so unfortunate that he never was able to find a meaningful way to grow and express himself. It is so unfortunate that he allowed the unjust teasing and embarrassment he received to eat away at him on such a deep level. It is so profoundly sad for all those who stood in his way. How much better would it have been had he only been willing to change and make a life of his own without blaming everyone around him.
While it is true that ultimately we are truly responsible for our own lives, let us take an active part in developing a sharp and focused eye that we might find those lonely hearts and touch them in some meaningful way. A small act of kindness can motivate a human being to find a higher and more meaningful way to live.
I know from experience that those who have been most thoughtful with me have also been the ones who have inspired me to be the very best that I could be.
Love can never be underestimated!
Should you, my dear reader, be one of those lonely hearts, I pray that you will realize what Winston Churchhill said, “Never, never, never give up”. I am conviced that there is always hope!
Viola thank you for sharing your story with me. This is very moving and touched me. I hope that just one young person reads it and it changes their outlook.
Comment by Rose — April 28, 2007 @ 3:02 am
Yes Rose, that is my hope as well. And that is the reason for this blog. If I can touch just one person and make a difference in their life, it will truly be worth my effort in doing this. Thank you as always for your kind comments and your continued support!
Comment by Viola Jaynes — April 28, 2007 @ 4:02 am
Viola offers us an acute insight into the individual/character aspects of a tragedy that seems to strike more and more often in this society, and, as always, her writing skills tell a very moving, very personal story. For the sake of discussion, I would offer the thought that it can be a mistake to presume that others have the capability of operating under the same, rational decision making processes that you (or I) possess. Your theory, that he chose to act on his negative thoughts — and by implication became an agent of evil — assumes that he was capable of making those choices because you were capable of making rational choices, and through your pain chose to embrace religious faith and thus make positive choices in your life. Mental health professionals have told me young people are often their most difficult patients, because they lack the self-awareness and maturity to really understand mortality and the big-picture, long-term consequences of their actions, which makes a lot of the cognitive-based therapies difficult to apply effectively. And finally — and I state this as only a fact, not as an attempt to add a political tone to this discussion — had a person with such an overt history of mental illness not been able to so easily obtain guns, this tragedy might have been averted. We must, as you say, take primary individual responsibility for our actions, but “society,” in the form of the people who mistreated this kid, the mental health and legal systems through whose cracks he fell, the college for failing to warn its student body about the potential presence of a gunman on campus, and this nation’s lax gun laws all have to bear their various fractions of responsibility as well. God, unfortunately, does not have a reputation for saving us from such a compilation of mistakes and bad choices.
Comment by A Dedicated Reader — April 29, 2007 @ 4:46 am
Dear Dedicated Reader,
Thank you for commenting at such length today and thank you for being one of my dedicated readers. Your point is very well taken and I could have just as easily gone the other way. I don’t have an answer for that…I do know that I’ve always been keenly aware of consequences and I never wanted to “ruin” my life due to not seeing the bigger picture. Perhaps that was developed in me because I had to depend on myself so much - I don’t know. I tell my story only to bring hope that there is light even in the darkest of situations. I do not tell my story to bring shame or guilt since that truly would negate my effort in writing on this blog.
I agree that mistakes have been made in this case(VA Tech)on numerous levels. Human beings set forth events that will bring about current situations. God has given us “free will.” The bottom line again, personal responsibility must be taken on all levels here.
Thank you for your well thought out comment here. I appreciate it so much.
Comment by Viola Jaynes — April 29, 2007 @ 1:57 pm
I also agree with Dedicated Reader. The gunman at Va. Tech. probably wasn’t capable of making rational choices and acted on his overwhelming feelings of hoplessness, despair, and rage when he committed this terrible act. As Dedicated Reader states, self-awareness and maturity does take time to develop . . . assuming that severe mental illness isn’t a factor. Positive self-awareness, maturity, and a positive outlook on life doesn’t come instantly, and neither does despair, hopelessness, and rage.
As human beings, WE SEE THE PAST. The world we see reflects our own internal frame of reference developed over a lifetime of experiences, choices, and consequences (positive and negative). His negative and hopeless “frame of reference” was developed over a lifetime of interpreting life’s events, making choices, and living with consequences.
Where Viola’s insight (and several of her posts) is helpful is that we need to retrain our minds to look forward and see life as an evolving spectrum of hope and wonder with a future yet to be written, whether you belive in a higher God or not. From reading Viola’s several posts, you get the impression that she began to stop looking at the past as a myriad negative events, and focussed her attention on changing her outlook to begin looking forward with a passion towards happiness, blessing, and wonderous curiosity. You can get therapy to help with this, but in the end, the choice is YOURS to make.
We are all capable of doing this, but it’s progressively more difficult to accomplish (or perceived to accomplish) after years of living in negative perceptions. Viola shows us that it is possible, and I hope that this message from her life provides at least one avenue of hope to those who desperately need it.
Comment by Anonymous — April 29, 2007 @ 3:00 pm
I thank Anonymous for sharpening the focus of my somewhat rambling comments. The three paragraphs that begin with “As human beings, WE SEE THE PAST” are both extremely insightful and wonderfully capture the essence of Viola’s positivism. They clarify what I believe that all three of us are saying: that making these “positive” choices can be among the most difficult things we can do, but can also be among the most rewarding. You are certainly right: no therapist can “cure” you of your emotional problems or “fix” the damage that you have acrued in life. In the end, professionals can only lead you to point to where the real heavy work begins. I know from personal experience that success in overcoming emotional problems is ultimately an individual victory; it often represents the culmination of countless skirmishes fought daily, not all of which one wins.
Again, my thanks to Viola for her thought-provoking, inspirational writing and for allowing others to contribute to this discussion. And as Annonymous concludes, her writing shows us that change, or hope, or blessing, or whatever we choose to call it, is possible. And sometimes “possible” is enough to keep us striving.
Comment by A Dedicated Reader — April 29, 2007 @ 10:05 pm
Thank you Dedicated Reader and Anonymous for your comments that only add to what I so feel.
Comment by Viola Jaynes — April 30, 2007 @ 5:48 pm
[...] defines one, or if it must be, then it may help to define you well instead of badly. Viola recalls her time in an orphanage and comes to a similar [...]
Pingback by The Anchoress » Scanning the ’sphere — May 1, 2007 @ 8:23 pm
Dear Viola,
I was moved by your life’s testimony it is true that Man has a power to choose, God wants us to be responsible to our actions because we are created in Gods image here on earth.
Thanks, you inspired me a lot.
jerry of Manila Philippines
Comment by jerry santiago — September 12, 2007 @ 3:19 pm
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for your very kind comment and for visiting me on my site.
Wishing you the best!
Comment by Viola Jaynes — September 12, 2007 @ 4:26 pm