We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love. ~Mother Teresa
As I looked through my jewelry box to pick out a necklace for the day, I was drawn to my gold, four-leaf clover necklace, which has great meaning for me. In a separate post on this blog called, “Love’s Mysteries,” I wrote how it came about that I acquired such a treasure. Please do read it if you desire to do so.
This little four-leaf gold clover pendent was a gift from a school teacher that I had in the third through sixth grades. We shared a special love for each other that could only be felt, but was never spoken of until our time of separation came.
As I left my orphanage in Germany to move to America in 1976, that pendant was a treasure that I held on to. I had never received a gift such as this, one that truly came from the heart. Receiving this gift stirred many emotions, including love, confusion, and sadness. Yet I cherished it because it acknowledged the value of my existence on a level deeper than anyone had acknowledged before. I would face incredibly hard times with the family I was going to live with, and this pendent would represent hope for better days ahead.
I clung to that hope during those years my father was married to his then wife. I was relieved they finally divorced and eventually began a relationship with a very different type of woman. She was a woman minister and perhaps that is what drew me to her. This relationship between my father and this woman was not destined to last very long; yet, as I look back, I recall that I felt drawn to her. Her kindness filled up an empty well in me and I wanted her to stay in our lives. My heart was thirsty for femininity, a mother’s heart, and a deep understanding of pain. I felt as if she had become a safe shelter for my father and I.
When it looked like that my father and this very nice lady were developing a deeper relationship, I looked at this precious clover pendant and decided to give it as a gift to her. The hope it represented was something I wanted to give to her, as I knew she did not have an easy life herself – or perhaps, it was the hope I had all my life for a mother. I was only 16 years old, and I was swept away with ideals and dreams, sentimentality and girlish notions of what it would mean to have a loving mother in my life. Foolishly, without deeper thought, I sat down and wrote a nice letter, telling her of the story behind this pendent. I then wrapped it nicely and presented the gift to her with all the tenderness and love I had in me.
My father’s life and her life eventually went two different directions. Though they cherished each other, they realized that marriage was not in the picture. Over the years, I had regretted my short-sightedness and wished that I had not given away such a priceless treasure. My longing for tenderness and understanding caused me to give away such a meaningful gift. I had searched for this pendent after I found out that this lady had lost it or perhaps even given it away herself. I have never been able to find one like it.
After my daughter was born, I decided to have another one made. I drew a picture of the original as I had remembered it and took it to a local jeweler. The artisan did a nice enough job but did not capture its delicateness or its meaning.
Nonetheless, this four-leaf gold clover is a representation of love that I once received and love that I gave away. It is a reminder of love that I hoped for all my life and a vivid picture of how love is not packaged in a nice little neat box but it come to us mysteriously when we least expect it and in the most unusual ways. Those moments must be cherished as they reveal to us God’s divine hand in our lives. Those moments bring hope and activate faith in us with deep conviction that life is far greater than what we simply see with our eyes.
As I have gotten older, I reflect on my relationships with women with whom I have come in contact with over the years. I recognize that my relationships with them have often been colored by the absence of a mother in my life and sometimes by my inward, often very gentle and unconscious yearning for one. I have read a couple of books on motherless daughters, and I wept as I recognized myself on its pages and began to understand myself better. The struggles with fear of rejection and dealing with rejection – from women especially have been painful, to say the least.
Insecurities about our place in this world, desires for understanding and recognition, sharing too much, sharing not enough, and forging meaningful relationships have all been dilemmas and emotions that I have profoundly lived and felt.
Through an honest relationship with God, I have risen above many of those fears of abandonment and insecurities. More often than not, however, I fall again and again on my knees with so much pain before I can find a clearer inward path for myself; I cry out in agony for God to help. And God helps.
Be it as mother, a sister, a wife, a friend, a daughter, or a co-worker, I believe women have tremendous power in their lives. I think this power, when used lovingly and creatively, can bring so much healing to others. It can bring comfort through sheer kindness and thoughtfulness. It can lift a spirit through a gentle touch and a warm embrace. It can bring clarity through the wisdom and insight we possess. Women’s sensitivity can bring so much harmony and peace into our world. In our commitment, women can bring great changes into their homes and into their societies through their unfailing devotion and prayer to God.
Many have had mothers they lost in some form or fashion. Many have had mothers by birth but for some reason were not able to truly nurture their child. Many in our world yearn for love, kindness and gentleness that they have lost or simply never received. It is amazing how much humanity would heal if they were given this gift of unselfish love freely. It is dangerous to judge people when we have never walked in their shoes; further damage can ensue from such a choice. We are in this world to support and help each other along the way, not to judge. All of us have a very limited understanding of the greater scheme of things and how much work each we have to do.
Through greater awareness and commitment to a spiritual life, many opportunities come our way in which we can exercise kindness and compassion for another. May we not be afraid to cease those opportunities and freely give the gift of love that we have received ourselves.
The gift of a four-leaf clover pendent was the gift of hope to me many years ago. I hoped for love and found it. My pendant was given to me by someone who wanted to be my mother but could not. I gave it to someone who I wished could have given me a motherly love. She could not. I now wear it as a symbol, reminding me that I must no longer look outside of myself. Love’s greatest possibilities lie within and its radiating love far surpasses that of a well meaning, yet limited, mother’s love, allowing my hopes and dreams to reach as high and as far as I dare to go.
