Spiritual Things Matter

Love-which is God- will consider our sighs and tears as incense burned at His altar and he will reward us with fortitude. ~Kahlil Gibran

In 1995, my husband, Scott, was attending college and also working on weekends while earning his advanced degree in geology at the University of Houston. I was full time employed at a local medical clinic. We had no children at the time. We had decided to wait until the college years were behind us so I could raise our children and avoid putting them into daycare. Our lives were occupied with school, projects, field trips, homework, and our jobs.

It was on one such busy day that I received a phone call from my brother, Jean, who was living in Germany.  He had called to tell me that he was engaged to be married in May. Jean invited me to be a part of his wedding.

I have written here about the day he was adopted, and how I came to realize that I would not see him as a child again. Losing my little brother was a loss that would stay with me always. In time, I managed to bury the tears deep within me, and remove the memories from the forefront of my mind of that very painful day so long ago. It was a loss that I had to eventually find the courage to look at again. It was a loss that I could not make any sense of, and yet with time, I was able to accept it and find meaning in it, which brought healing to my heart.

Words cannot describe how excited I was to hear from Jean again after all these years of wondering where he was and how he was doing. I quickly realized just how rusty my German had become, and I was much relieved when I realized that he was able to speak English. That day, it became a mission of mine to regain my German language skills, to better communicate with my newfound family!   Because my husband was in college, flying to Germany was going to be more of an expense for us than what we could afford at that time. However, the idea of our not flying to Germany to be a part of Jean’s wedding was out of the question. We were simply going to make that trip!

Some of my friends at work were so excited about the prospect of me seeing my brother again after so many years that they and my supervisor took up a collection to help out with our expenses as we prepared to fly to Germany.  Contributing toward this reunion was a very generous and kind gesture from those who did not really know me that well.  I was deeply humbled and thankful for their kindness and generosity.

As we flew to Germany, I was nervous and a bit apprehensive. I imagined every possible scenario under the sun. Would Jean recognize me? Would I recognize him? Would we both feel comfortable with each other or would our time together be awkward?  When the moment arrived, and I saw Jean for the first time in 25 years, I felt something that words simply cannot explain.  I recognized him right away even though over 25 years had passed. As we held one another in a tight embrace, the years melted away, and I cried. I cried for our loss. I cried for our reunion. I cried for this very profound moment in both of our lives. The emotions that welled up in me were overwhelming as my heart raced and my body shook. There was no awkwardness as we knew we belonged to each other.

The wedding was beautiful, and visiting with Jean and his new bride was a special time for us. They welcomed my husband with open arms, and the four of us had a wonderful time together.  During this busy time, Jean and I did managed to have some time alone. We spoke about our childhood and the day he was taken away from me. Jean told me about his life with his new family, and we discussed how life had been for me staying behind in the orphanage and eventually moving to America. Though there was much to talk about, there were also times we would not say a word.  Somehow, we understood each other as only siblings can. That understanding, we realized, was a part of the feeling of a deeper belonging and a deeper love.

In the years that followed, although we’ve spoken periodically on the telephone, I have not seen Jean since he was married in 1996. Much has taken place in his life as well as in our lives. As I spoke with my brother just a few days ago, we both knew it was time for another reunion. We will be traveling to Germany again soon, and I can’t wait to see him and spend some time with him again. I miss him. My two children also look forward to meeting their Uncle Jean, and my husband will enjoy clanging his beer krug once again with Jean’s. Life is good!

I wanted to share with you, my dear readers, something very special that happened this past week. Sometime ago, I wrote a story here on my site called, “That Little Room.”

After a friend of mine in Germany read this story, she took it upon herself to make a copy of it in order to give it to the woman who was the director of that school. This director responded by writing me a very nice letter, and also expressed that she is going to see if this teacher could be located. I have vivid memories of this director. She was a very petite woman with a very large and generous heart. She was loved by the students as well as by her teachers.

Last week as I checked my mail, I received a letter from Germany, but I did not recognize the name or the address on it. As I began to read this letter, tears started to well up my eyes as I realized that the letter that I was holding in my hands was written by this “special” teacher of religion who goes back in my life almost 40 years. I was deeply moved as she told me about herself and that she has visited this web site and was touched by my stories and poems. She resides in the Munich area not too far away from where my friend, Simone, lives. She also still teaches and plays her guitar. I will be answering her letter this week with a few photos of my family. On our next trip to Germany, we will make a point to visit her as well.

I have been so amazed of all the things that have developed since I have started to write. It has been a true gift . . . not only to myself, but to many others as well. I am very happy and thankful!

I continue to believe that there is nothing impossible! Nothing!

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. ~Scott M. Peck

As the new year has started, I have tuned in and listened carefully to the changes that people have expressed to make for their lives this year. It makes me realize once again how uniquely human we all are, and how we have been graced with the gift of “free will” which allows us to alter and adjust our lives as often as we see fit. No one must ever feel that they are forever trapped in a less than desirable lifestyle or emotions over which they feel they have no power. Some situations do seemingly appear to be hopeless, and yes, within the limited realm of our lower understanding, they also seem utterly futile.

In our free society, though, teachings about spiritual reality are readily available. Any lasting and meaningful changes that people would like to see in their lives usually come through some sort of spiritual awakening, and some sort of spiritual hunger that has found its way into their hearts. More often than not, those times are shrouded with a feeling of utter helplessness and of inadequacy in oneself. Those times, as painful as they might seem, are in fact, blessings in disguise. For many, it is during such times that one learns to fall upon the vibrant and beating heart of God. Let there be no doubt that His work has been forever completed as He gave so generously His exquisite, extraordinary and ultimate Love-gift to mankind. Nothing stands between God and man now except man’s own self-made veils, typical to human experience, of doubt and fear, of self-pity and pride, and of victim-hood and imagined losses.

Oh, how I pray today that those who have suffered would find peace and rest in the comforting love of God. There is nothing more beautiful and nothing more poetic than when a man or a woman has come to a place in their life of turning everything over to His care. A renewed heart will bring a renewed life, which in turn will bring a fresh perspective on situations that seemed difficult and often impossible. It is indeed a better choice! Faith arises within the heart, and it is the beginning of a spiritually energized path. This new path will bring one into the brightness of His presence as one seeks Him through prayer and adoration. When one stays close to His heart, much truth and wisdom will be granted.

Surrendering Heart

I cast myself upon Your heart
A heart of Love Divine.
I cast myself upon Your heart
A heart that now is mine.

I tuck myself away in prayer
apart from men - into a different realm.
In stillness and in quietness,
I find peace upon my sacred ground.

I hunger and I thirst, Oh God
for Your reality alone.
No malice nor anger is found in You
Oh, how Your love does comfort my soul.

I cast myself upon Your heart
A heart of glorious Light Divine.
I cast myself upon Your heart
A heart that now enlightens mine.

Viola M. Jaynes
Jan. 2008

When a woman gives birth to a son, her appreciation for manhood has deepened. ~ Viola M. Jaynes

Each year, I look forward to celebrating and sharing my birthday with my son. He was to be a mid January baby, but instead he was born on the very same day as my birthday. Having grown up without a family and having lost both my brothers when I was a young child, I was deeply moved at the Grace and Love of God as He bestowed on me this wonderful birthday gift. It was as though He smiled on me and said: “All is well, my child, all is well!” And so it has been! Today, I give special honor to this young boy who is quickly turning into a young man right in front of my eyes.

In Honor To You, My Son

The moment I found out that you were growing within my womb -
I loved you.

Every time you moved and kicked as you grew bigger by the day -
I loved you.

Each day, each week, and each month that went by waiting for you -
I loved you.

With great pains, lying in my bed and knowing that the time is nigh -
I loved you.

The great anticipated moment finally came with its last great push -
I loved you.

As you were held up for me to see the miracle of your precious life -
I loved you.

You were wrapped in a warm blanket and placed gently in my arms -
I loved you.

Looking into your eyes, I tenderly held your little hand. I wept because -
I loved you!

You, my son, are the greatest Birthday gift a mother could ever hope for. Each year on our Birthday, I am reminded again how thankful and blessed I am to have a son like you. In one decade, you have grown so much, and you continue to learn more each day. You are not only gaining knowledge in school, but you are cultivating an understanding to be a kind and compassionate human being. You are learning to give as you receive. You are learning to love as you are loved. You are learning to trust in life as life is generous to you. You are learning to know your God as He draws your heart close to Him. And as He teaches you to look deeper into the hearts of men, you are gaining wisdom for the days ahead. You have begun to understand that to show kindness and compassion for all living things, is to honor and to serve Your God.

You are truly a special gift to me! I love you so very, very much!

Happy Birthday!

Always Your Mama