Finding Truth
I look within my own heart once more
Wondering, Am I all that I can be?
I look within to find the answers
To elusive questions tucked away silently.
Deeper, yet, I dare to look
Knowing the answers are there to be found.
I long to know the truth in full
Plowing through fears of rejections and doubts.
All too often, masking is easier
No one will discover the pain, you see.
Even a temporary cloak leaves us behind
Losing our truth and our identity.
Hardening our hearts will keep us from feeling
The beauty and love, the pain and the fears.
Becoming someone we are not is safer
No one can hurt us – comforting with timidity.
The truth! The truth! I long for it!
Where is it to be found?
Within my own heart, I am certain of that.
Do I dare listen? Yes, it is safe and it is sound.
Be not afraid, oh heart of mine.
Life is full of mysteries so profound.
Be not afraid to feel and to love
For deeper wells are yet, to be found.
~Viola M. Jaynes
March 2008
The road to self belief is sometimes a long one, but worth it when one arrives. It is a hard road to travel, but by far the easiest in the end. I really liked the second to last stanza, the question and your own answer, so emphatic and certain.
Comment by Lark — March 31, 2008 @ 4:42 pm
Trusting your own inner voice is a big part in growing up. Your self-introspection in all of your writings is very moving. Keep it up!
Comment by Liz — March 31, 2008 @ 4:46 pm
Viola, I first experienced grace when I was deep in the pain of grief over the death of our son. An unexpected visit from a stranger who brought us a poem she had written about our son when she read of his death. I was so deeply moved by that act of kindness. Suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of love, a deep connection with all of humanity. For some weeks I was under the spell of this insane love of all creation. Eventually the feeling faded, but an inner smile remained.
Some years later I read a short essay on Grace by Paul Tillich. It gave me more insight into what I had experienced.
“Do we know what it means to be struck by grace? It does not mean that we suddenly believe that God exists, or that Jesus is the Savior, or that the Bible contains the truth. To believe that something is, is almost contrary to the meaning of grace.
Furthermore, grace does not mean simply that we are making progress in our moral self-control, in our fight against special faults, and in our relationships to men and to society. Moral progress may be a fruit of grace; but it is not grace itself, and it can even prevent us from receiving grace.
Too often there is a graceless acceptance of Christian doctrines and a graceless battle against the structures of evil in our personalities. Such a graceless relation to God may lead us either to arrogance or to despair.
It would be far better to refuse God and the Christ and the Bible than to accept them without grace. If we accept without grace, we do so in the state of separation, and can only succeed in deepening the separation.
We cannot transform our lives, unless we allow them to be transformed by that stroke of grace. It happens; or it does not happen. And certainly it does not happen if we try to force it upon ourselves, just as it shall not happen as long as we think, in our self-complacency, that we have no need of it.
Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness.
It strikes when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life. It strikes us when we feel that our separation is deeper than usual, because we have violated another life, a life which we loved, or from which we were estranged.
It strikes us when our disgust for our own being, our indifference, our weakness, our hostility and our lack of direction and composure has become intolerable to us.
It strikes us when, year after year the longed-for perfection of life does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage.
Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: “You are accepted. You are accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything; do not perform anything; do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted.
If that happens to us, we experience grace. After such an experience we may not be better than before, and we may not believe more than before. But everything is transformed. In that moment, grace conquers sin, and reconciliation bridges the gulf of estrangement. And nothing is demanded of the experience, no religious or moral or intellectual presupposition-nothing but acceptance.”
You may know this essay but, if not, you may recognize your experience of grace.
Some stumble on grace accidently or through meditation or deep contemplation. For me the road to grace was, as Tillich describes, the Via Dolorosa, the Way of Pain. Since that instance I have experienced grace several times, always as “satori” or sudden insights into the connectedness and beauty of all creation. And always when I was least expecting it. My inner smile remains because I know, deep within that I am accepted and that is enough.
I share this with you because your post reminded me of my seeking. The inner smile is firmly in place but there are still new revelations or satori ahead. The journey continues.
Comment by Jimmy J. — April 1, 2008 @ 5:07 am
My very dear Jim, I weep as I read your comments here today. Thank you my dear friend, for sharing with me your story and your experience. How wonderfully moving and encouraging!
I am sorry for the loss of your son. That truly must be one of the hardest things a parent could experience. My husbands grandmother lost her son when he was only in his mid 40’s. It was painful to watch her go through that.
That stranger writing you that poem was truly a gift from God. I marvel at His wisdom. I also marvel how you have come into my life now. I am so glad and thankful.
Your experience reminds me so much of Dr. David R. Hawkins’s experiences. I went to one of his seminars last year because I have the utmost respect for the spiritual awakenings that man has had. I have read his books and much of it resonates deeply with me. I am not familiar with the essay by Paul Tillich, but I will look into finding it. Perhaps you can forward it to me if you already have it on your computer. If not, it should not be a problem finding it. Thanks for sharing that with me.
Jimmy, I have carried a pain with me for over two years, which has so broken me on the inside. Yet, it was that experience that has brought me to write. Through my writing, I find a deep abiding love and wisdom, as well as a “somehow knowing.” Again, thank you for your presence and your very kind friendship.
Comment by Viola Jaynes — April 1, 2008 @ 9:11 am
Jim, I have just found the article on Grace by Paul Tillich and I realized that you actually posted it here for me. Thank you very much for your effort! It is a wonderful essay!
Comment by Viola Jaynes — April 1, 2008 @ 9:52 am
If goodness hasn’t been hardened by the toils of life, the answers within the heart should be true and to the point. One should listen with a careful ear to the heart murmurs. For there, among bodies flesh lies the answers to our dreams. The poem asks pointed questions.
Comment by bigbluepoet — April 2, 2008 @ 9:06 am
You find the truth every time your write, Viola! Beautiful. I love your work.
Comment by SandyCarlson — April 3, 2008 @ 12:49 am
Thank you my dear Sandy!
Comment by Viola Jaynes — April 3, 2008 @ 1:38 am
Viola,
I’ve been reading your work today and thinking of you and this poem. Some time ago, I created a video for a friend that I think shares the spirit of this.
Sanctuary
Comment by SandyCarlson — April 8, 2008 @ 1:16 am
Sandy, I just viewed this video and it is very beautiful and meaningful. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Comment by Viola Jaynes — April 8, 2008 @ 2:06 am