Does It Serve Us Well?
The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mood of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; for happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up. ~Charles Langbridge Morgan
From early on, we have certain ideals about the way we think our life should be. During our “terrible twos,” temper tantrums were expressed when things did not go our way. When we became teenagers, we experienced great growing pangs as we entered into early adulthood. Then, as adults, we find ourselves at times in precarious situations because we often are determined to hold tightly to our ideals which can turn into great stumbling blocks.
I have to re-learn this lesson again and again as I have chosen my own ideals. I try to teach my children to have dreams and goals that they would like to work towards. I try to teach them to look at the bright side of life, to see the glass half full instead of half empty. Yet, I am also keenly aware that my own ideals have at times been a stumbling block for me.
In my life, I have noticed that when my ideals serve me well, my life seems to be in harmony. It seems to carry with it an energy and creativity that molds and shapes these ideals into a realistic and workable goal. Mutual giving and receiving seems to take place in relationships that one comes in contact with. It is accompanied with a feeling of well being, acceptance and joy, as well as a sense of gratitude.
During those times when my ideals, no matter how noble they are, work against me, it often follows with a great amount of confusion and disappointment. When these ideals are not met, no matter how hard one reaches for them, they can cause self-doubt and fear. These ideals become heavy stones around my neck when I stubbornly keep carrying this unnecessary weight, which has long become a heavy burden. Not surprisingly, it creates a stooped emotional posture, and looking up to see the world as it really is becomes a difficult task.
I have noticed this tendency in parenting my children. My ideals for the way my children should turn out may not match with the design they were created to be. If I hold to my rigid ideals and unrealistic goals, it may very well become a source of pain to them, thus having the complete opposite affect of what my original and good intentions were.
We humans tend to cling to all kinds of things. We cling to jobs, money, and material gain. We tend to cling to other people, and their approval and recognition. We tend to hold on to our pains and perceived lacks. I have seen far too many good people turn to some sort of addiction in order to cope with the loss and disappointments of ideals that did not serve them well. Their inward battle creates this painful cycle of addiction, and it often steals so many years from their lives. It steals their dignity, and it keeps them from growing inwardly, and out of that pain. It does not have to be that way.
I say this often in my writings because I am deeply convinced of its truth. It takes continual self-examination and self-honesty to recognize even the most subtle clinging to old patterns. I am convinced that so many of our problems can be healed, as well as solved, if we would only take the time to look inward and be completely honest with ourselves. There is no need for harshness and judgment, for that is also futile. Only a willingness, accompanied with great understanding and gentleness, is necessary to turn our concerns, no matter how small they are, over to the great Deity that created us. This can bring about a blossoming and healing in our lives as we experience the maturation process and spiritual growth that will finally enable us to open our hands and let go.
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. ~Lao Tzu
As I read this post, I thought of Lao Tzu and the teaching that disappointment comes from the recognition that reality and that which we desire are different. Paradoxically, I have found that the only way to move and to grow is to accept things as the way they are rather than to fight them.
There is freedom and comfort in accepting life for what it is. Through this acceptance comes change, but not before or without it.
Comment by SandyCarlson — June 21, 2008 @ 3:00 am
Much wisdom here, Viola.
I try (not always successfully) to remind myself each day of a few things I am thankful for. It is such a simple thing and its salutory effect on my morale is amazing. Trying (the operative word) always to see the glass as half full to overflowing.
It is my belief that we all have talents, abilities, and gifts from our Creator. Our job, if we accept it, is to discover what those are and follow them where they lead us. Helping our children to discover their talents and abilities is our role, but it is not always easy to play. Your children are blessed that you know this.
Comment by Jimmy J. — June 21, 2008 @ 3:11 am
Sandy, I agree with you. Accepting situations and people as they really are brings about a much calmer way of handling things. Thanks for your kind comment.
Comment by Viola Jaynes — June 21, 2008 @ 7:44 am
Jimmy, I always cherish your comments to my site because I know that you have experienced years that are still ahead for me. Thank you so much for your support and your encouraging words. You are a gift!
Comment by Viola Jaynes — June 21, 2008 @ 7:47 am
Very insightful! As always, Viola, you make us think about the important things in life. I always enjoy visiting your blog. Thank you for your gentle reminders and encouragements.
Comment by Liz — June 22, 2008 @ 4:30 am
Liz, as always, thank you very much!
Comment by Viola Jaynes — June 22, 2008 @ 8:05 pm
Viola, I haven’t visited your site in awhile but I came back to catch up. This one blog really hits me hard. i can see how ones good traits can turn around a become your Achilles heel. Life is hard.
Comment by RayG — June 24, 2008 @ 1:59 am
Ray, thanks for stopping by. Yes, on one level, life is hard. However, the older I get, the more I realize the reason life is hard is because we hold on to so much fear and pain from the past. We often come to fear ourselves in that process. Letting go and asking God for assistance is the beginning of so much for peace in our life. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers, Ray. We look forward to seeing you again soon. Take good care of yourself.
Comment by Viola Jaynes — June 24, 2008 @ 2:38 am
Boy, can I see myself in this picture. You are right, we all tend to hang on to things that are better left to go, including our children.. A great write and wonderful way of looking at things.
Comment by bluepoet — July 2, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
Very nicely thought out writing! I like that! I like how your writing reminds me that the judging is not up to us, but up to our God. That God has prepared the paths that we do not understand; yet He shines His light a little at a time on the way so that we understand and are not overwhelmed with the whole of the scenery. Good writing!
Comment by dolyco — July 2, 2008 @ 12:40 pm