Spiritual Things Matter

Ten thousand possibilities
To climb the mountain’s height
Formidable and majestic
It stands before my sight.
Strong and equipped I feel,
To wander – day and night if I must,
Finding just the right way
No matter how difficult the path.

I wander, and wander,
Then stumble alone,
Alas the veil of darkness and silence
Has brought me to a state
From which I cannot escape;
Fear and panic, I realize,
Have now become my guides.

Completely alone in the dark -
I feel frightened after all;
Unsure of my way,
For not another soul is here
To rescue me.
It is this utter aloneness
That frightens me the most
Abandoned by all, it seems,
Even by the one who has created me.

Slumped over with exhaustion
I cry out for help
Seeking answers – any answers,
To guide me out of this circumstance.

With the peace and release
Of my own prayers and tears,
I come to understand
A greater power, given freely,
Lies within me -
To decide anew and then create,
A fresh and far better way
To climb that mountain along my way.

~Viola Jaynes

This is my mother and father.  I was with them for the first 1 or 1 1/2 years of my life, until I was placed in an orphanage in Germany.  I lived in an orphanage until I was 14 years old when my father found me and brought me to the United States.  Years later, I was able to find my mother in Nürnberg, Germany, but I was never able to visit her.  Each time I would fly to Germany, she would disappear and return only after she knew I was back in the States.  I was able to speak with her one time before she passed away from lung cancer.  Her voice was a pleasant surprise to me.  I told her that all was well and that I wished her peace of heart and an abundance of love.  I then sent flowers to her hospital, and six months later she died.  I have felt intense sadness for this woman because, even though she brought four children into this world, she  was unable to mother her own babies – for whatever reasons.  May she rest in peace always!

Mother

Through you I came, oh precious soul,
Yet my mother you could never be.
No ill will I hold within my heart for you,
For you did, perhaps, the best you could.

You wandered and searched your entire life
Longing for something you would never find.
We were there, you see, right by your side
Laughter and warmth would have filled your life.

Oh, my beloved Mother,
May you now fold up those heavy, drooping wings
And may your weary heart find rest at last.
All is well!  All is well!  No more tears need be shed.
May your tired soul rest peacefully now,
And may you awaken…with lessons learned,
To the beauty and warmth of Love.

~Viola Jaynes
4/1/09

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom; mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
~Lao Tzu

I read a wonderful essay that Dr. Sanity wrote which gave me so much to think about. If you would like, you can read it in its entirety. She speaks of the defense strategies that we humans use in order to protect ourselves from each other.  She says:

“The most psychologically healthy of these strategies are those that allow us to transform primitive instinctual energy of even the most destructive emotions into works of art or entertainment that give pleasure to others (sublimation and humor); or behavior that is socially beneficial (altruism, anticipation, suppression). People who achieve optimal psychological health are those who have come to satisfactory terms with their neurobiology. They are people who have learned to accept their anger, rage and other potentially deadly emotions and, instead of destructively acting out, repressing, denying or projecting; have creatively expressed those feelings in a way that improves life both for themselves and for others.”

In my younger years, I used to be so embarrassed when feelings of anger or rage would rise up from within. I would try to hide the anger and suppress it as long as possible;  only on very few occasions did someone close enough to me even gain a glimpse into the frustration that I often felt. I remember once, when studying at a school of ministry where I also worked, that the pastor once asked me very calmly and lovingly, “Viola, whom are you mad at?”

My reply was, “I’m not mad at anyone.”   In fact, at the time, I did not really fully understand just how angry I was. I did not even understand why he was asking me that question because I was simply going about my usual work.

Because I grew up without parents and without my siblings, I, not only had to learn to parent myself in many situations but I also had to simply handle whatever came along and bury much of the fear and insecurities that I was feeling. Too much of the time, I was an island unto myself and would not talk through things with anyone. After I gained my independence and began to established a life of my own, I found myself weeping quite a bit. I could not understand where so many tears could come from.  Eventually, though, I realized that the tears came from a deeper place within me.

Only with added years have I learned to understand myself better. When I would gain a glimpse into my own heart, I would simply cry out to God to heal me and to help me. I would turn my anger over to Him each and every time it arose, and I would be honest enough to recognize it for what it was. I started to give myself much more room to allow emotions to come to the top and then to examine them as honestly as I could with the understanding that I had at the time. That was not always easy, for I also had to work through embarrassment and the tendency to simply hide. As Dr. Sanity so aptly described, however, I came to a place in my life where I could accept my anger and my rage and allow the transformative power that lay in my own heart to change me. Often, it seemed that the changes were so minute, but with time, with much time – I realized that I was on my way to becoming a whole person, which truly is a life long process.

It is good to know that it is just fine to be angry and to be even full of rage. It is also extremely freeing to know that this energy can be turned to one’s own benefit. This process involves healing and creatively  allowing it to tunnel though oneself, emerging into understanding, kindness and compassion for oneself as well as for others.  With the help of a greater energy, this wholeness can and will be a reality if one continually, day in and day out, has the desire to be completely honest with oneself and realize that our life here on earth is a learning process.  We are all deeply wounded and we all are in need to be healed.

Growth requires self-examination. Growth requires self-honesty. Growth requires the willingness to be humble and to take responsibility for one’s life, one’s happiness, and one’s peace of mind. Most important, growth requires a willingness to change one’s mind, to change one’s attitude. In short, it is a position of humility that is consciously and willingly taken up for a higher purpose and a higher goal.

This is extremely powerful and transformative! For many, it will be the start of a much happier and more creative life.

Never fear to look into the eyes of your own anger. Beneath this anger you will find some measure of brokenness and fear. This brokenness and fear can be healed with a greater gentleness and love for yourself.   This Love has been freely provided for each member of the human community.   Embrace it!  Embrace yourself!  Embrace this Love through accepting yourself, just as you are, that you may find a creative way to be healed and to express yourself into a much happier and more purposeful life.

* Portions of this post have been previously published.

Who, being loved, is poor? ~Oscar Wilde

Kal, one of my blogger friends focused his attention today on Blog Action Day and their theme for this year is Poverty. Thanks for posting on this, Kal!

I looked at their site, and I think it is truly a wonderful effort that so many have made in joining together to heighten awareness of the poverty that exists worldwide. If each one of us did our part, whatever that might mean for us, that effort will become part of the solution.

One could write volumes on poverty. It is a dilemma that is painful to come to terms with. It is a fact in our world. Yet, as painful as it is to look poverty in the eyes, it teaches us so much. If only we would not be afraid of it and understand that what we fear out there is that…which we really fear within ourselves.

Poverty can manifest itself in many different ways. The most visible, of course, is the poverty we see when men, women, and children sleep on our streets and under our bridges. When we see beggars holding their hands out for just a little something, we notice the lines on their faces, which only masks their true age. When the mentally ill are left to themselves endangering themselves as well as others, one cries out that humanity would be healed, forever rising above such deprivation. Juvenal, a Roman poet (55 AD-127 AD) once said, “It is not easy for men to rise whose qualities are thwarted by poverty.”

And so it is, when men are hunched over in poverty, they have little strength to stand to see all the possibilities. Benjamin Franklin said, “Poverty often deprives a man of all spirit and virtue; it is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.”

There is another kind of poverty that concerns me just as much as the one that is so readily seen. It is the poverty of the soul. The poverty of the heart. The poverty of the mind. It is a poverty that I see so often and in so many different places. It is a poverty that I have seen within my own heart and soul. It has often deeply troubled me. I work hard to rise above it, each and every day of my life. Mother Teresa said it right when she said, “The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

Growing up in an orphanage from the time I was one and a half years of age until I was fourteen brought an underlying loneliness into my life. Coming to America without speaking a word of English and without being understood by anyone was a loneliness that to this day is difficult for me to explain. I was looking forward to having my own family, but was only met with disappointment because the people that I came to live with were deeply impoverished themselves. Therefore, it only served to drive my loneliness even deeper into my soul. When my brothers were adopted and I was not, it made me doubt my own worth again and again.

It was a feeling of being forgotten and left alone. It was a feeling of not belonging anywhere or to anyone. It was a feeling of being unloved and uncared for, and a feeling of total isolation and abandonment. These were feelings of impoverishment that I have often felt ashamed of in my life. It drove me into further isolation from a world that did not see me. It drove me to protect myself from as much pain as possible. Many times, because of that, I forgot to live life to its fullest. I simply shut life out.

As I have grown older and experienced some healing through the gentleness and graceful mercies of Love, I often notice an orphan mentality in many even though they grew up with parents. Feeling loved as a child is something that many miss out on. Such pain often brings many complexities into the heart and minds of hurting souls. The poverty of love is profoundly painful and drives many to suicides, drugs, alcohol, and criminality. I have experienced, though, that this same poverty of love can also open a window to experience the greatest Love of all. This process can take some time and often many tears are shed during the process.

Poverty! Oh may we find the courage to rise out of our own poverty’s that we may reach out and help heal another hurting heart. The poverty which we have experienced ourselves is the very poverty that has equipped us with compassion to help heal someone else.

This post is part of Blog Action Day 8 – Poverty