Spiritual Things Matter

_{Photograph by: K. Alan Lewis}

In youth we stand strong in our convictions
With passions and beliefs we hold so dear.
We stand solid firm in a warrior-like fashion
Declaring with strength the path that seems clear.

One day, though, we awaken
To notice a change has taken place:
We have grown a little older, and life
And all its passions are not so clear.

~Viola Jaynes

Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged and tolerant with the weak, for in your lifetime, you will be all of these. ~Confucious

The year was 1972 and I was on my way to spend my usual two weeks vacation at Fraule’s (Frawley) house. On the trolley and bus rides to her home, I would think about how slowly the time passes there. It was a big change from all the activities going on at the orphanage, and it often seemed like stepping back into a different time.

Fraule was an elderly woman perhaps in her late sixties or early seventies. She didn’t fancy coloring her hair or wearing any type of make-up, so she could have even been younger than what she appeared to be. Fraule was a simple woman who never had any children of her own. She had lost her husband in WWII and had never married again. She knew her neighbors well, and when we walked to the near-by grocery store and met someone she knew, she would often stand for an hour or longer chatting as I just stood by waiting on her. She was a robust and large woman, and I would often help her with hand washing clothes outside and hanging them on clotheslines. I always loved the fresh smell of the clothes when they were dry and ready to be brought back inside.

When Fraule knew that I was coming for a visit, she would often prepare a fresh apple strudel or one of her wonderful prune cakes or a marble cake because she knew how much I loved her baking. If she did not have one already baked, we would usually bake one together. I would peel all the apples and cut them for her, and then place them unto the dough. I enjoyed her marble cake as well, and I loved licking the chocolate from the bowl once everything else was done. My very favorite thing was brushing the melted chocolate all over this freshly baked marble cake. Fraule seemed to gain a special satisfaction out of just watching me, and I often would even exaggerate my excitement just to make her feel special. Even as a young child, I could feel that she was very lonely.

Fraule suffered terribly for many years from a condition which caused a ringing of the ears. She never was able to receive any helpful treatment for this condition, and would share with me that it almost drove her crazy at times, especially during the night. It was during one such night when her condition pushed her to do something that I would never forget.

I woke that bright morning with the windows open and the fresh breeze coming into the room. It was quiet in the house, and I could hear the birds singing outside. Fraule and I slept in the same bed, and when I noticed that her false teeth were in their customary place on her nightstand, I began to wonder just where she was. I knew Fraule well enough to know that she would certainly never leave the house without her teeth. She usually woke up early in the morning, and by the time I would awaken, I would hear all kinds of clatter from the kitchen. That morning, however, there was total silence.

I got up and started to look for her. I walked outside to see if she was working in the vegetable garden or in the wash room where she typically would heat water to do the wash or to take a bath. The washroom was locked, but I also knew it could only be locked from the inside. So, I walked around to look through the window. Pressing my face against the window pane since it was very dark inside, I could see Fraule lying still on the floor. I began to call out her name, but my cries did not seem to stir her. I ran as quickly as I could to the upstairs apartment where her nephew, Herman, and his wife Geli, lived. I was talking so fast that they asked me to slow down and tell them what was going on. All three of us hurried down the stairs and Herman pried the door open to where Fraule was lying on the concrete floor, pale faced and forlorn. They called the ambulance right away, and Fraule was taken to the hospital. I was crying and so scared because I didn’t understand what was happening or why.

Later that day, we received the good news that Fraule would be fine. She had taken an overdose of sleeping pills in the hope of never waking up again. The ringing in her ears had become so unbearable that she evidently could think of no other way out.

I stayed the remainder of the time with Geli and Herman, both of whom were in their mid thirties. They asked me not to tell anyone in the orphanage what had happened because then I would not have ever been allowed back to visit them. I never told anyone.

After that incident, I returned many more times to visit Fraule, but she was never quite the same. She never talked to me about her suicide attempt, and I never brought it up. My elderly friend began to deteriorate quickly, and within about a year after that sad attempt to end her life, Fraule passed away. One night, the orphanage received a call from Geli and Herman informing them of Fraule’s passing and asking permission to come and pick me up for the funeral service. They also asked the director of the orphanage to have my usual visiting time granted to them.

My times with Fraule were never easy ones. Because of her own struggles, she often seemed to take her frustrations out on me. She enjoyed my brother, Jean, so much more because he had a much quieter and calmer nature than I had. Once my brother was adopted, my time together with Fraule became even more complicated. She often would refer to my mother and tell me that I was going to become just like her. Her criticism of me seemed unfair and unjust without any real reason behind it except for the fact that I looked like my mother. Often I would disappear to the upstairs apartment, and Geli and Herman became my refuge while I was there. This would make my time with Fraule even more complicated because she felt rejected by me and would accusingly say that I was ungrateful. Geli and Herman explained that Fraule seemed to enjoy arguing and that she had a very unhappy marriage where constant strife was the norm for her. Herman, being her nephew, also often got an earful.

Every so often, I think about my times with Fraule. As I remember back, this story seems to always come to the forefront since it was so dramatic for me. I do enjoy thinking about the nice time we had together baking and how she would smile at me as she watched me eat her cakes. She was a good woman with a good heart. In my adult years, I have understood that her loneliness just overcame her at times, and her moods were difficult for her to control.

Reaching out with kindness and understanding to elderly people is important. None of us know what burdens others carry on their shoulders. So many live with so much regret and pain. Many lives are filled with extreme loneliness and feelings of abandonment. A kind word, a few minutes of our time, and a gentle touch can make such a difference in their lives. I have often wished that I could have had more insight into Fraule’s heart while she was alive. I was just a child . . . but perhaps, I did learn just a little.

You can free yourself from aging by reinterpreting your body and by grasping the link between belief and biology. ~Deepak Chopra

It is interesting to have dialogues with people who are getting older because repeatedly you will hear them say that in their minds they don’t feel their age. I am 45 years old and I find myself saying the same thing as I realize that I had preconceived ideas of what it meant to be middle aged.

Aging is an interesting phenomenon as the child within is still there and yet the process of life has brought experiences that bring enormous changes to our physical bodies, our minds, and our perspective on life.

As I sat in the hygienist chair having my teeth cleaned, I listened as this middle-aged woman began to tell me about her aging father who has Alzheimer’s disease. My heart went out to him and all those who suffer from this devastating disease. We must continue to pray that our scientists will find a cure to relieve the suffering of so many. I pray that those suffering from Alzheimer’s will be able, with noble dignity, to live in the present moment and embrace that which is still real and alive to them. I pray that they will not fight against this illness so hard, only bringing more pain of frustration and anxiety as they desperately try to cling to that which was theirs in this world. It is very hard and painful for human beings to relinquish control, much less having your mind erased from all that you knew.

A number of months ago, I made a visit to my gynecologist since it was time for my yearly exam. I’ve begun to notice some subtle changes as I am now in my mid 40’s. I like planning ahead and like being pro-active in matters that are in my control, so I asked my doctor what it is that I can do to prepare for the “change of life.” It is this same doctor who helped deliver my two children and who counseled my husband and me when we could not get pregnant right away with our first child. The doctor is about my age and when I asked him this question, he smiled with compassion and with thoughtfulness and gave me a profoundly simply answer: “Prayer,” he said.

He did give me some other helpful information to consider but his primary advice was prayer. He explained to me that he has repeatedly witnessed in his patients that those who have a prayer life fare much better than those who do not. This did not come as a surprise to me. I was thankful to have such a fine doctor who is able to include the spiritual realm into his well-established medical practice. I said a prayer for him since he shared with me that he is writing a book on menopause to help his female patients.

Aging seems to be scary for many people. In this materialistic world that we live in where so much emphasis is placed on outward beauty, many forget to focus on something far more important and lasting. Changes take place in the body and in the mind when a human being goes to the One far greater and wiser than himself. A relinquishment of control brings one into a much more peaceful place of existence. One gains a sense of wholeness and life takes on new meaning. New energy is found to walk a new path, perhaps unknown in younger years. It is this path that will bring clarity and wisdom to those who search for it. It is this path that offers a place to lay down the burdens that have been carried in this lifetime. It is this path that will open opportunities of forgiveness for ourselves and others, bringing healing to our mind and soul, and yes, sometimes even to our bodies.

Oh, aged body-mind,
be strengthened today from all your toil.
The wise physician within you – speaks.
Listen carefully as he brings insight and understanding
to that which seems impossible.
He is there to heal and restore -
that which has been torn down through ignorance.
Oh, aged body-mind,
be strengthened today – and know.

Viola Jaynes