Spiritual Things Matter

Honor the moment of suffering for in such is the kernel of knowledge. Turn inward for in the stillness will be your strength. ~Diane Ethridge

From the very beginning of life, a journey begins in our hearts that will eventually find either a peaceful ending or one of sadness and regret. How enlightening it is when it is realized that this is usually a choice completely of our own making. A choice that I pray will be wise and thoughtfully lived out as our heart travels through this life.

As we learn to be open to life’s experiences, we allow our heart to take note of all the wonderful emotions that we as human beings have been granted. It takes wonderment and curiosity as only a child possesses to live life to its fullest, and to let our heart expand with each phase and with each new experience. It is a great gift to ourselves when we allow our inward child to remain with us until the end of our earthly journey. The joy that child can bring into our lives through its perceptive awareness, is profound.

Coming to the United States at the age of 14, and not being able to speak any English, was a great challenge for me. Growing up in an orphanage, and not ever having experienced the closeness and love of a mother and father, created a feeling of distance between the world and myself. I often felt I had to protect myself at all cost. After arriving in America, I lived with my father and his then wife. I suddenly found myself going to school and work experiencing both a reality on the outside world, and a entirely different reality in my internal world. As a result, I found myself very lonely and afraid much of the time. The dysfunctional behavior from those I lived with only added to the complexity. I felt so alone.

Once, a teenage boy I worked with asked to take me out to dinner. After he brought me back home, he turned to kiss me and I became paralyzed with fear. How would it ever be possible to allow someone to get physically close to me? I turned my head quickly and knew very well that my embarrassment was far more than what would be considered “normal” for a teenager experiencing her first date and her first kiss. At my very core, I realized that I feared “love” and found myself not knowing how to react. I trusted no one with my life, and I continued to shut myself off within but somehow managed to wear my “outward” mask well. During my teenage years and throughout my mid-twenties, I never allowed myself to date because the fear of facing the inevitable rejection that young hearts sometimes experience as they search for love, paralyzed me.

Today, after 19 years of marriage, I can look back at those innocent and fearful years and understand that I often shut life out because I was afraid to open my heart and truly feel the passion that life holds for all of us. Today, I look forward in anticipation to continue to open my heart to other hearts, to new experiences, to greater passions and joys, and to live life truly in its fullness and beauty. As I look back, there is the realization that even in my paralysis, I have gained some wisdom and understanding, for this has been my continual prayer. Today, I bow in thankfulness for God’s grace and love as He continues to heal all areas of this life. Through His wisdom, He has allowed circumstances to come into my life that have made me look at this fearful heart of mine, and to understand that in all things are nuggets of wisdom and insight to be found.

In my contemplation, I realize that my heart has traveled a long journey. At times, I have tired and I have wondered how to continue on. Nowadays, though, I realize that I desire for my heart to keep on traveling, to keep the courage, and to see beauty in all things. To love and be loved, and to understand that even the pain it may bring, compares not to the joy that I feel from allowing my heart to be free from so much unnecessary fear.

Travel on my heart, travel on
It is safe to travel on.
Life holds beauties yet unseen.
Travel on my heart, travel on.

Give freely and gently of your heart
and you will see that it is no longer just in part.
For life is one continuous exchange -
of beauty, love and grace.

Embrace it with wonderment - for it is safe
Love’s eternal presence will always aid.

Travel on my heart, travel on
It is safe to travel on.
Life holds beauties yet unseen.
Travel on my heart, travel on.

Viola Jaynes

What is to give light must endure burning. ~Victor Frankl

The experience of having lived most of my childhood in an orphanage has brought with it many hidden challenges but it has also brought many blessings into my life. The result has been a continual journey to find meaning and truth, which has led me to God.

Recently, I had the privilege of speaking with an elderly man who stated that he thought I had a keen sense of who I am. He recognized strength and independence due to the fact that I have had to take care of myself so much of the time. His kindness almost embarrassed me. However, I also am very aware that in the process of parenting myself, I have sometimes overlooked areas to which I didn’t realize that I should pay attention. Through a sheer stubbornness and will to survive and live, I failed to nurture a very frail area within myself - and that is the fear of rejection. Dealing with that fear and then learning how to let it go has been very hard but has also given me valuable lessons. As a result of this fear, there have been a few times when I have hurt someone that I cared for deeply because, I felt so certain that they would eventually go away as well. That has deeply saddened me.

Another main thing that has been with me ever since I was a very young child is a sense of aloneness. It is a feeling of disconnectedness, of separation and of brokenness. It is as though I have always looked for something and have never been able to find it and yet, I keep looking for it still. As a young woman, living on my own, deep crying periods would often happen, because of this feeling of not belonging and simply being alone in this world. It is a pain that is hard to put into words but as a result, I drew closer to God. Also during this time, I often failed to build solid human relationships, which was just my way of self-protection. Never allowing myself to get into difficult and challenging situations was good on one hand, but it also nursed my feeling of aloneness.

As I started to mature, I began to notice that a strong sensitivity to the feelings of other people had developed in me. Tuning into them, I was often able to even feel their pain. This empathy brought about a sense of righteous indignation when I saw injustice done to others and I began to stand up for those who felt afflicted. Sometimes, unfortunately, I found myself standing totally alone.

A desire has been nurtured in me to help people feel special, no matter their background, educational level or socio-economic status. I realize now that my sense of aloneness wasn’t just because I was an orphan, but that many people suffer silently from this very same feeling in their life. Many people feel trapped in their aloneness and feel that they have nowhere to go. Many have family and loved ones around them, yet still have a sense of isolation and aloneness. They need love, tenderness, compassion and understanding, which must be energized by spiritual commitment for it to be effective. A place of such aloneness is indeed a very difficult and painful place to be.

Love is one of the greatest things we are able to give to others. It is a healer beyond scope. It liberates souls into a space of acceptance and peace as nothing else can do. It brings with it such joy and understanding, and it brings with it a sense of belonging as one is seen and acknowledged by someone.

Too often we busy ourselves with so much activity and we overlook what really matters in life. A kind word, a tender look, a phone call to simply let someone know that you’re thinking of him or her, could mean so much. Perhaps extending an invitation to lunch, then letting them know that you are praying for them, and then, really doing so.

Each and every person has a story to tell and each one of us has endured deep pain in our lives. If we can make that pain a friend and use it to touch the lives around us, then we have grown a little more on our spiritual journey. More importantly, we have brought God to yet - another heart.

That is the true purpose in life!