Spiritual Things Matter

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom; mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
~Lao Tzu

I read a wonderful essay that Dr. Sanity wrote which gave me so much to think about. If you would like, you can read it in its entirety. She speaks of the defense strategies that we humans use in order to protect ourselves from each other.  She says:

“The most psychologically healthy of these strategies are those that allow us to transform primitive instinctual energy of even the most destructive emotions into works of art or entertainment that give pleasure to others (sublimation and humor); or behavior that is socially beneficial (altruism, anticipation, suppression). People who achieve optimal psychological health are those who have come to satisfactory terms with their neurobiology. They are people who have learned to accept their anger, rage and other potentially deadly emotions and, instead of destructively acting out, repressing, denying or projecting; have creatively expressed those feelings in a way that improves life both for themselves and for others.”

In my younger years, I used to be so embarrassed when feelings of anger or rage would rise up from within. I would try to hide the anger and suppress it as long as possible;  only on very few occasions did someone close enough to me even gain a glimpse into the frustration that I often felt. I remember once, when studying at a school of ministry where I also worked, that the pastor once asked me very calmly and lovingly, “Viola, whom are you mad at?”

My reply was, “I’m not mad at anyone.”   In fact, at the time, I did not really fully understand just how angry I was. I did not even understand why he was asking me that question because I was simply going about my usual work.

Because I grew up without parents and without my siblings, I, not only had to learn to parent myself in many situations but I also had to simply handle whatever came along and bury much of the fear and insecurities that I was feeling. Too much of the time, I was an island unto myself and would not talk through things with anyone. After I gained my independence and began to established a life of my own, I found myself weeping quite a bit. I could not understand where so many tears could come from.  Eventually, though, I realized that the tears came from a deeper place within me.

Only with added years have I learned to understand myself better. When I would gain a glimpse into my own heart, I would simply cry out to God to heal me and to help me. I would turn my anger over to Him each and every time it arose, and I would be honest enough to recognize it for what it was. I started to give myself much more room to allow emotions to come to the top and then to examine them as honestly as I could with the understanding that I had at the time. That was not always easy, for I also had to work through embarrassment and the tendency to simply hide. As Dr. Sanity so aptly described, however, I came to a place in my life where I could accept my anger and my rage and allow the transformative power that lay in my own heart to change me. Often, it seemed that the changes were so minute, but with time, with much time – I realized that I was on my way to becoming a whole person, which truly is a life long process.

It is good to know that it is just fine to be angry and to be even full of rage. It is also extremely freeing to know that this energy can be turned to one’s own benefit. This process involves healing and creatively  allowing it to tunnel though oneself, emerging into understanding, kindness and compassion for oneself as well as for others.  With the help of a greater energy, this wholeness can and will be a reality if one continually, day in and day out, has the desire to be completely honest with oneself and realize that our life here on earth is a learning process.  We are all deeply wounded and we all are in need to be healed.

Growth requires self-examination. Growth requires self-honesty. Growth requires the willingness to be humble and to take responsibility for one’s life, one’s happiness, and one’s peace of mind. Most important, growth requires a willingness to change one’s mind, to change one’s attitude. In short, it is a position of humility that is consciously and willingly taken up for a higher purpose and a higher goal.

This is extremely powerful and transformative! For many, it will be the start of a much happier and more creative life.

Never fear to look into the eyes of your own anger. Beneath this anger you will find some measure of brokenness and fear. This brokenness and fear can be healed with a greater gentleness and love for yourself.   This Love has been freely provided for each member of the human community.   Embrace it!  Embrace yourself!  Embrace this Love through accepting yourself, just as you are, that you may find a creative way to be healed and to express yourself into a much happier and more purposeful life.

* Portions of this post have been previously published.

Happiness is itself a kind of gratitude. ~Jospeh Wood Krutch

Having read an interesting post by Dr. Helen at www.drhelen.blogspot.com on the effect of women’s anger on men, I brought up this subject with my husband. There are many honest comments on that post that I found very interesting, especially those written by men. I have given this a lot of thought and as my husband and I discussed this again yesterday while hiking, we both agreed that there are many very unrealistic expectations that people have when they enter into relationships – especially marriage. Women, I think, do this even more so than men because we tend to romanticize and idealize a lot more than our men do. Men’s expectations of “never-ending” sex are also realized as an ideal as they continue in marriage or in a long-term partnership. Both parties set themselves up for disappointment and a feeling of victimization.

As I read through the many comments on Dr. Helen’s post, I felt sad for these men. I also felt sad for the women because both partners were obviously hurting. I began to wonder what had happened to their communication over the years. Had the anger become so corrosive that it had even eaten away the ability to communicate? Had the fear of the angry partner become so intimidating that the other just threw up his hands and gave up? Where had the basic respect for each other gone, I wondered?

If growth and change are really desired, each must look within their own heart. One must become honest with themselves over even the slightest matters. No one can bring us happiness. We must take responsibility for our own happiness. It is unfair and impossible to place that task on someone else. True happiness lies deep within us, and nothing on the outside determines that condition. It is amazing how things will adjust themselves in our external world when we begin realize who we really are. We then begin to empower our relationships, and look to them as enhancement and not as fulfillment.

Prayer and meditation are one of the greatest ways to attain such a realization. It takes a focused eye and a determined heart to begin to live a life much more devoted to spiritual things rather than marching to the drums of our materialistic world. It requires a deeper desire to love and to see others in a kinder and a more realistic way. We can begin to pray for others and hold them close to our hearts as we desire change, healing and growth. Most of all, as we begin to shift our focus, we realize a greater love for ourselves. The seed of God is within us. As we begin to nurture that realization, it will begin to become even clearer that the possibilities of such a vision, such a lifestyle – are truly endless. Our ability to choose happiness by choosing God is far greater then we’ve been able to tap into.

Anger is corrosive in every way if it is not looked at and examined honestly. Anger tells us that we are hurting in some way. Anger is not “bad” but it is a signal that something is just not right within us. If we are willing to listen carefully, it will point us in the right direction – but it takes and honest and willing heart to do so. More often then not, we find that much of our anger, which is really pain and fear, is not so much because of the other person as it is within ourselves, and the unrealistic goals and expectations we have set.

The act of giving ourselves to God and turning everything over to Him in our prayers is a way to happiness that will deepen our roots. We will no longer be tossed to and fro each time we feel defensive or afraid, only looking to blame someone else. We will become as a tree planted by rivers of water – the storms may come and go but the planted tree is solid and strong. It will extend kindness and love even though others would rant and rave. It will give with compassion of its nourishing fruits, even though others would only take through greed and fear. Being planted deeply in our convictions to be loving and happy, we will not be moved by fear and intimidation. This kind of compassion and love can only be realized if we fully partake of its Life. Our Source is rich and unending with its creative power to heal and restore even the most difficult of circumstances.

Our search for happiness is our search for God. All else will fall to the wayside and will be realized as hollow and empty. True and lasting happiness can only be found in a living, viable relationship with our Creator God. I am deeply thankful for this reality!