I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest sufferings is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everyone, to be just nobody (to no one). ~ Mother Teresa of Calcutta (1910-1997)
It has been heartbreaking to watch as the events involving the Polygamist sect unfold in Eldorado, Texas. There are many that are suffering. It is so sad to see entire family units being broken up and babies, small children, and teenagers being taken away to strange places and away from all that is familiar to them. In my opinion, it seems that the children are always the ones who end up suffering the most. As I am reading and hearing of places that are preparing for these children, one only 15 minutes from my home, I could not help but recap my own experience living in an orphanage.
Most of my readers know that I was born in Germany and raised in an orphanage until I was 14 years old. Overall, my orphanage days were good, and I am thankful that I was there instead of the abusive environment that I came into when I came to this country. However, that is only telling part of a story. Today, I would like to tell you a side of being orphaned that is less attractive and very painful. I worry about these children for that reason. Although, I must stipulate that those children who have been subjected to abuse must be removed to a safer environment right away.
Something profoundly deep happens to a human being when they are taken away from their mother at a very young age. I was between 1 and 2 years old when this happened to me. I do not mean to undermine the role of a father here, but there is a deeply nurturing relationship that takes place between the mother and the baby. The suckling of the warm and tender breast, and being held tightly to the mother’s bosom, tells the baby it is in a warm and very safe embrace. There is an unconditional love between mother and child that tends to quickly want to heal infractions and mistakes, and make a child feel safe and reassured. All these things and more are deeply comforting and reassuring for a child.
There are innumerable efforts that are made by the mother and father to make sure that the child is cared for in providing a safe and loving home. They make sure that clothes are washed, and that the child has a clean bed to lie down in. They provide nutritious meals and quality family time around the dinner table. They listen to the endless stories about school classes and attend school programs where the child can display talents and pursue opportunities nurtured by the parents. They teach their children when it is appropriate to talk, and when it is appropriate to listen to others.
Come evening time, I can only imagine that there must be nothing sweeter in the life of a child than the tender “good-night” kiss of a mother and father. The prayers of protection and grace by those parents will teach a child of something far greater than just himself. Then, being snuggled in for the night by his mother and father who deeply love him, his sleep can be deep and sound without any unnecessary cares and worries. Being a mother of two, I write from my experience as a mother as well as my experience as an orphan.
Children who have been taken away from their mothers and fathers all have one thing in common; that is, a hole in them that is difficult to repair and fill. Such a child will search for something or someone because somewhere deep inside them they knew they belonged somewhere. Finding that “place of belonging” is a very long and painful journey. There are many rejections along the way, and that child will often be very clumsy in finding that “belonging” again. These rejections only add to the greatest of all rejections, which is being taken away, for whatever reasons, from their mother and father. The slightest hint that there might be such a belonging again can often turn into an obsessive expression because they desperately fear that they will lose that warm and nurturing feeling of “home” once again. Juggling these emotions and keeping them in balance can be very embarrassing . . . and tiring. No matter how old they are, their inner self is seeking that which was lost. They become their own parent, and that can be a very difficult task.
It takes self-honesty to understand that there are nobler pursuits than feelings of neglect and feelings of sadness for one’s own losses. Many tears are shed during this process. It is important that one is kind and gentle with themselves as they grow up and heal. There is the hope that someone will come along that will be wise enough and loving enough to understand them as they are.
Children who have been rejected by their parents, or who have been taken away, will feel a sense of brokenness and inferiority. Secretly, they will often think to themselves, “Everyone seems to have it together somehow except for me. Everyone is smarter. Everyone is more gifted. Everyone has more friends. Everyone has more opportunities. Everyone can do it better. What about me? What is wrong with me? Why am I not wanted?” These are questions that will haunt many such children for the rest of their lives. The loneliness these children experience is profoundly deep and often beyond words because the unconditional love and presence of a mother and father simply is not there. The person they truly are is not the person they see in the mirror. Their judgment about themselves has become clouded and impaired. The true potential that lies within them is often never recognized. Walls of protection are built up, and it can take years before something will pierce through in order for them to finally find their “belonging” and their “home” within themselves.
I have struggled immensely in many of these areas. I am 46 years old now and with each year that passes, I sense that the struggles are, perhaps, a little less intense. I am humbled by the gifts that have been granted in other areas of my life that have enabled me to compensate for the losses. I have also been able to understand that having gone through the pain of loss has somehow brought me closer to a deeper spiritual realization. It is truly the only reality that really matters. I pray often for the grace to be able to care and love others and to worry less about myself.
I am also deeply thankful for my family. The acceptance and love I receive from them are indescribable! The innocent and very generous love from my children often astounds me and leave me in a state of awe. What a gift!
Please keep these children from Eldorado, Texas in your thoughts and in your prayers. If you are inclined to help in some small way, here and here are sites that will give you more information.
