Spiritual Things Matter

The absolute value of love makes life worth while, and so makes man’s strange and difficult situations acceptable. Love cannot save life from death; but it can fulfill life’s purpose. ~Arnold J. Toynbee

Love is complex and comes with a wonderful array of emotions and expressions. In considering this, I wonder what life would be like without being touched by its mystery, its pain, its joys and its tears? The touch of love will change a human being in such profound ways that are often difficult to understand.

My mind goes back to Germany and the time I was packing to leave the orphanage to move to the United States. My father, an American, had found me after 14 years, and I was to make a new life here in this country. As I was packing my clothes, my thoughts raced: Would I learn English quickly enough? Could I make new friends? Was America as great as I had always heard it was? I had fears, yet the youth in me was filled with hope and an adventurous spirit, willing to step out into the unknown.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of children calling my name, telling me that I had a visitor. I thought it strange since I never had visitors. As I walked downstairs, I saw a teacher standing there that I had from third to sixth grade. One of my favorite things she used to do in class was put her hand around the back of my neck when I was being mischievous. She did it with such tenderness and so revealed her heart to me. Perhaps, being mischievous came easier because of that.

I was still surprised as she greeted me with a warm and familiar smile. This was a teacher whom I had dearly loved, but I kept this love as a secret in my heart. I felt embarrassed about it since she was obviously just my teacher. However, deep in my heart, I had somehow discerned her feelings towards me. Would I dare to think it was love? She had heard from the kids in school that I was leaving for America and so she came to say goodbye.

In her hand she held a small gift with a letter. As she handed it to me, she embraced me and wished me well. I was speechless and my face had turned red. Our last goodbye was quick and then I went back upstairs to read my letter. The letter revealed to me what I had known in my heart for four years. All I could do was weep. I opened my gift carefully and thoughtfully and was moved as I saw it. It was a tiny, gold, four-leaf clover pendant. I cherished it for years before it was lost by someone I entrusted it to. I would read that letter time and again during my early years in this country. I would weep over it with a broken heart, as I longed to be freed from so much pain. After time, I could no longer unfold it since my very tears had crumbled it under my hands.

This love came with a bittersweet price. Our love for each other has been tried on only a few occasions…but, to its very depth. As we both have grown in this mystical relationship, we cherish each other to this day. The first time I saw my friend again after so many years had past was in 1997 when I was pregnant with my first child. It was a wonderful reunion and we cherished each other’s presence. Since that time, I have been able to call her once a week unless she or we are on vacation. We are able to talk about many things and the practice of speaking my mother language has greatly improved my German.

I have been awakened by love a number of times in my life. Each time, it came with an enormous amount of intensity and expression of my own soul. When love comes, it will bring with it an imagination and creativity which causes us to be able to do that which we never have thought was possible. It allows our eyes to see beauty, I believe, in its purest form. It is that brushing of the shoulders with love that brings about such beauty in the arts. Its expressions are the windows to the soul’s yearning to become one with yet a greater power and a greater purpose. Its spiritual implications are astounding.

Love asks many things of us. Its demands are not easy, and love often brings with it much pain. Still, it broadens us in every area of our lives. Its well is deep. When we work through the pain and mysteries of our own loves, truth of the heart and soul are revealed. We somehow understand that life is not just a life on this earth, but truly a spiritual experience. We come to know, even if just in part, what the mysteries and the possibilities are that lay in love. It will take us to the heights and depths of our very soul, as nothing in this life time will. Oh, how wonderful it is to be able to love!

Though its pangs are strong and fierce, let us never fear to love again and again, until we melt into its very essence.  ~Viola Jaynes

I believe in America because we have great dreams and because we have the opportunity to make those dreams come true. ~Wendell L. Wilkie

In 1976, during the warm summer month of August, my father, an American, found me in an orphanage and flew to Germany to bring me back to the United States. A few months prior to his arrival, I and the other children in the orphanage, were informed of this news. I became the most popular girl for the remainder of the time there when the other children learned that I was really moving to America. It was such a proud moment for me when I realized that I was to finally have my own family, and furthermore, that I was coming to live in such a great country.

I love America! After moving here from Germany at 14, and then out of my father’s house at 21 years old, I began to realize just how versatile and flexible of a life I could lead here in America. I found the freedom of choice which became a practical and integral part of my life. I found freedom to worship God and the freedom to study spiritual things which would eventually become a tool of healing for my life.

I am proud to be called an American as I think back of the patriotism that was displayed after 9/11. It was inspiring, and I realized that its energy came from a different source than the nationalism that Germany displayed during WWII. The courage to be visionaries that is seen in so many Americans is founded on deep abiding principles explained in the phrase, “liberty and justice for all.” Americans will bind together as one during times of tragedies as well as in times of victory.

I love the generosity this country displays during times of need, even to her enemies. I have stood in amazement as I have observed people give, for example, after the Katrina hurricane disaster. People of all socio-economic levels opened their pocket books as well as their homes. I stand in amazement as I watch the American people display resilience as they always find a way to re-build their lives again and again, no matter what difficult circumstances may come their way. What an inspiration!

I love America because no one will place restrictions as to the level of educational opportunities one wants to obtain. Through sheer determination and hard work, any goals can be attained. Wealth on every level in America can be realized through hard work and wise decisions made.

Americans have large hearts. Friends in Germany expressed once that they enjoy visiting this great land of ours because the people “seem so friendly.” I would have to agree with that as our motto still remains that “the customer is always right.” Americans are happy, loving and giving people, always finding a way to look at the positive, to work hard and to continually strive to become better in every way. Solutions are sought for the more difficult dilemmas of poverty and ignorance because America desires equality for all of her people. Wisdom is sought to protect our land and to protect those who are weaker than ourselves.

With all the pain that came along with making the transition from another country, learning a new language, and trusting a new people, I have found myself. I am free, I am proud, and I am an American!

Update: I was invited by Houston NPR to read my essay on the radio. You may click here to listen to it, if you like.

Happy 4th of July!

*This essay has been previously posted

Love-which is God- will consider our sighs and tears as incense burned at His altar and he will reward us with fortitude. ~Kahlil Gibran

In 1995, my husband, Scott, was attending college and also working on weekends while earning his advanced degree in geology at the University of Houston. I was full time employed at a local medical clinic. We had no children at the time. We had decided to wait until the college years were behind us so I could raise our children and avoid putting them into daycare. Our lives were occupied with school, projects, field trips, homework, and our jobs.

It was on one such busy day that I received a phone call from my brother, Jean, who was living in Germany.  He had called to tell me that he was engaged to be married in May. Jean invited me to be a part of his wedding.

I have written here about the day he was adopted, and how I came to realize that I would not see him as a child again. Losing my little brother was a loss that would stay with me always. In time, I managed to bury the tears deep within me, and remove the memories from the forefront of my mind of that very painful day so long ago. It was a loss that I had to eventually find the courage to look at again. It was a loss that I could not make any sense of, and yet with time, I was able to accept it and find meaning in it, which brought healing to my heart.

Words cannot describe how excited I was to hear from Jean again after all these years of wondering where he was and how he was doing. I quickly realized just how rusty my German had become, and I was much relieved when I realized that he was able to speak English. That day, it became a mission of mine to regain my German language skills, to better communicate with my newfound family!   Because my husband was in college, flying to Germany was going to be more of an expense for us than what we could afford at that time. However, the idea of our not flying to Germany to be a part of Jean’s wedding was out of the question. We were simply going to make that trip!

Some of my friends at work were so excited about the prospect of me seeing my brother again after so many years that they and my supervisor took up a collection to help out with our expenses as we prepared to fly to Germany.  Contributing toward this reunion was a very generous and kind gesture from those who did not really know me that well.  I was deeply humbled and thankful for their kindness and generosity.

As we flew to Germany, I was nervous and a bit apprehensive. I imagined every possible scenario under the sun. Would Jean recognize me? Would I recognize him? Would we both feel comfortable with each other or would our time together be awkward?  When the moment arrived, and I saw Jean for the first time in 25 years, I felt something that words simply cannot explain.  I recognized him right away even though over 25 years had passed. As we held one another in a tight embrace, the years melted away, and I cried. I cried for our loss. I cried for our reunion. I cried for this very profound moment in both of our lives. The emotions that welled up in me were overwhelming as my heart raced and my body shook. There was no awkwardness as we knew we belonged to each other.

The wedding was beautiful, and visiting with Jean and his new bride was a special time for us. They welcomed my husband with open arms, and the four of us had a wonderful time together.  During this busy time, Jean and I did managed to have some time alone. We spoke about our childhood and the day he was taken away from me. Jean told me about his life with his new family, and we discussed how life had been for me staying behind in the orphanage and eventually moving to America. Though there was much to talk about, there were also times we would not say a word.  Somehow, we understood each other as only siblings can. That understanding, we realized, was a part of the feeling of a deeper belonging and a deeper love.

In the years that followed, although we’ve spoken periodically on the telephone, I have not seen Jean since he was married in 1996. Much has taken place in his life as well as in our lives. As I spoke with my brother just a few days ago, we both knew it was time for another reunion. We will be traveling to Germany again soon, and I can’t wait to see him and spend some time with him again. I miss him. My two children also look forward to meeting their Uncle Jean, and my husband will enjoy clanging his beer krug once again with Jean’s. Life is good!

I wanted to share with you, my dear readers, something very special that happened this past week. Sometime ago, I wrote a story here on my site called, “That Little Room.”

After a friend of mine in Germany read this story, she took it upon herself to make a copy of it in order to give it to the woman who was the director of that school. This director responded by writing me a very nice letter, and also expressed that she is going to see if this teacher could be located. I have vivid memories of this director. She was a very petite woman with a very large and generous heart. She was loved by the students as well as by her teachers.

Last week as I checked my mail, I received a letter from Germany, but I did not recognize the name or the address on it. As I began to read this letter, tears started to well up my eyes as I realized that the letter that I was holding in my hands was written by this “special” teacher of religion who goes back in my life almost 40 years. I was deeply moved as she told me about herself and that she has visited this web site and was touched by my stories and poems. She resides in the Munich area not too far away from where my friend, Simone, lives. She also still teaches and plays her guitar. I will be answering her letter this week with a few photos of my family. On our next trip to Germany, we will make a point to visit her as well.

I have been so amazed of all the things that have developed since I have started to write. It has been a true gift . . . not only to myself, but to many others as well. I am very happy and thankful!

I continue to believe that there is nothing impossible! Nothing!