Spiritual Things Matter

The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mood of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; for happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up. ~Charles Langbridge Morgan

From early on, we have certain ideals about the way we think our life should be. During our “terrible twos,” temper tantrums were expressed when things did not go our way. When we became teenagers, we experienced great growing pangs as we entered into early adulthood. Then, as adults, we find ourselves at times in precarious situations because we often are determined to hold tightly to our ideals which can turn into great stumbling blocks.

I have to re-learn this lesson again and again as I have chosen my own ideals. I try to teach my children to have dreams and goals that they would like to work towards. I try to teach them to look at the bright side of life, to see the glass half full instead of half empty. Yet, I am also keenly aware that my own ideals have at times been a stumbling block for me.

In my life, I have noticed that when my ideals serve me well, my life seems to be in harmony. It seems to carry with it an energy and creativity that molds and shapes these ideals into a realistic and workable goal. Mutual giving and receiving seems to take place in relationships that one comes in contact with. It is accompanied with a feeling of well being, acceptance and joy, as well as a sense of gratitude.

During those times when my ideals, no matter how noble they are, work against me, it often follows with a great amount of confusion and disappointment. When these ideals are not met, no matter how hard one reaches for them, they can cause self-doubt and fear. These ideals become heavy stones around my neck when I stubbornly keep carrying this unnecessary weight, which has long become a heavy burden. Not surprisingly, it creates a stooped emotional posture, and looking up to see the world as it really is becomes a difficult task.

I have noticed this tendency in parenting my children. My ideals for the way my children should turn out may not match with the design they were created to be. If I hold to my rigid ideals and unrealistic goals, it may very well become a source of pain to them, thus having the complete opposite affect of what my original and good intentions were.

We humans tend to cling to all kinds of things. We cling to jobs, money, and material gain. We tend to cling to other people, and their approval and recognition. We tend to hold on to our pains and perceived lacks. I have seen far too many good people turn to some sort of addiction in order to cope with the loss and disappointments of ideals that did not serve them well. Their inward battle creates this painful cycle of addiction, and it often steals so many years from their lives. It steals their dignity, and it keeps them from growing inwardly, and out of that pain. It does not have to be that way.

I say this often in my writings because I am deeply convinced of its truth. It takes continual self-examination and self-honesty to recognize even the most subtle clinging to old patterns. I am convinced that so many of our problems can be healed, as well as solved, if we would only take the time to look inward and be completely honest with ourselves. There is no need for harshness and judgment, for that is also futile. Only a willingness, accompanied with great understanding and gentleness, is necessary to turn our concerns, no matter how small they are, over to the great Deity that created us. This can bring about a blossoming and healing in our lives as we experience the maturation process and spiritual growth that will finally enable us to open our hands and let go.

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. ~Lao Tzu

May the sun shine tenderly on you.
May her warmth bring healing comfort to your broken heart.
May the wind whisper his eternal truths into your ears -
May you sense his abiding strength as well as his tender mercies.
May the rain fall extra gently upon your brow.
And may each tender droplet bring new rhythm to your thoughts.
May your tears flow freely that you might feel again and begin to heal.
May life bring its beauty to you -
With generosity and with grace.
May it envelope you with new truth and new hope -
That you may find your own beauty which abides so richly in you.
And, may Love embrace you and your children -
As our world cradles you firmly and tenderly in her prayers.

~Viola M. Jaynes

Dedicated to Elisabeth Fritzl on Mother’s Day 2008

A truly great man never puts away the simplicity of a child. ~Confucius

I grew up in an orphanage and those childhood years afforded me many opportunities to imagine how it would have felt to have been a part of a more traditional type of family. Since Father’s Day is just around the corner, I would like to write about my childhood dreams of fatherhood.

As a child, when I felt afraid and alone, I would reflect upon what it would have been like to be able to sit on my father’s lap. In my mind, I could see him wiping my tears and giving me a tender kiss on the forehead, and letting me know that all is well with the world. I would imagine my father embracing me at night and wishing me a good night sleep after reading me a bed-time story. Then, I would rest peacefully knowing that my father is always there. I would wonder how my father would handle someone treating me unfairly and wanting to hurt me. In my heart, I would believe that he would be there for me always. My father would right all the wrongs, make dark days brighter, and always be able to bring me to laughter as he would play and rough-house with me. I would feel the safety and the comfort of having a strong and loving father in my life. Those were just some of the dreams I had when I was a child.

I remember one year in the orphanage, when I was about nine years old, we had a sports competition. Among the other children my own age, I had always been the fastest runner in my school as well as in my orphanage. Of course, I was proud of that fact and I poured everything I had into this competition. That year, another girl ended up winning the race, and I went off alone to sit down and cry. I remember feeling so sad mainly because no one really knew how losing that race made me feel. I also realized that I had nobody to even encourage me to try again the following year, and so I simply never entered the competition again. I can only imagine, had there been a father in my life, that situation would probably have been viewed differently. He would have talked with me about the value of character, and how moments of defeat are only opportunities to try even harder the next time, and that the triumph would then be even sweeter. I know that he would have embraced me with his strong arms and lifted me - holding me close to him, and I would perhaps even have felt his heartbeat.

Today, I am the mother of two beautiful children. As I observe their relationship with their father, it moves me beyond words. I see tender moments between them, and it touches me when I see him taking time to encourage them and to teach them the lessons that life offers. It makes me proud when he leaves work early to be a part of one of their special activities or some other performance that they have worked hard to perfect. My daughter and her Papa both love music, and I smile when I hear them play their musical instruments together. When our son decided to join the school orchestra and learn to play the cello, it was wonderful to see how much interest his Papa took in making sure that they chose just the right instrument. Both of our children will always know just how much their father loves them. They also know that their Papa is always going to be there to comfort them and to encourage them, even when things are difficult.

Fatherhood is a very special gift. The pride a father feels the very first time he holds his tiny baby in his strong arms is, to me, the most beautiful ‘poetry’ of tenderness and strength. During that special moment, he ponders all the possibilities for his child, the joys and the pains his children will experience to make them who they will become. That creates in him an enormous sense of responsibility and devotion. His determination to protect is strong, and his desire to meet their needs will be a driving force to help him stand strong even during the most difficult of times.

Fatherhood is not for the weak of heart. It takes an enormous amount of strength and effort to instill in children the love and value their father has for them. It is all too easy to see the negative side of situations, but it takes effort and far more creativity to teach children the valuable lessons that life has to offer. If a father has a willingness to teach by example and to recognize teachable moments, he will know that he has done his job and will eventually see his children mature into kind and loving people. They will honor and love him as they know for certain that they are tucked away in his large and loving heart.

I have long laid my childhood dreams of a father aside, but I am thankful that my husband fulfills them in our children.

Happy Father’s Day!

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus

Due to the recent loss in our family, I have contemplated once more the meaning of pain and suffering that we as humans so often experience. No one wants to suffer and none of us want to go through the process of suffering. This process is painful and it is a place of profound loneliness as we face those “winter moments” in our lives.

I have tried to imagine what life would be like if we never had to suffer. And if throughout our lives, everything went exactly the way we wished it would be. If we had all the love, all of the talent and intellectual capacities, if we were all-powerful and had wealth beyond measure, what would we as human beings be like? I wonder as multi-dimensional beings, could we grow, develop and strengthen our inner spiritual selves and our physical and mental well being? Could we comprehend, even in the least, that life is far greater than the meeting of our external physical needs? Would we simply exist in an infantile state only seeking to gratify the next desire?

When a person experiences suffering, the pain can go very deep. Often words can utterly fail us. We would rather find a place to ourselves to shelter us from the voracity of the assailant. Indeed, if we could, we would retreat completely until we have a chance to heal and dry our bitter tears.

“Life is difficult.” This is the first sentence Dr. M. Scott Peck wrote in his ground-breaking book, “The Road Less Traveled.” Dr. Peck gave us the benefit of this work that I would recommend to everyone to read at least once. And so it is….life is difficult and arduous! This is also the first of the “Four Noble Truths”, as taught by Buddha. “Life is suffering.” And yet, something profoundly beautiful can take place in a human life when they experience suffering. It is within their own choice to transform it into something workable and meaningful in and for their own experience. Life on this earth gives us many opportunities to grow and evolve into generous, kind and loving human beings. Not all will chose to go that path but the opportunities are there each and every time we encounter hardship and loss.

Pain and suffering create an inroad into our deeper selves. Kahlil Gibran says it beautifully, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” This “understanding,” once realized, is profoundly transformative and provides us with the means to “ground” ourselves in order to find a greater purpose for our lives.

I wish for each of my readers to be strengthened when you go through your own pain. Indeed, pain will come to all of us, without exception. The treasure of God lies within you and it is within you where you will find the wisdom and understanding that you will need. All the strength and fortitude will be there to enable you to live through each painful second. Be not afraid but understand that you are never alone. You will emerge stronger, having learned lessons that could never have been bought for a price. That, I believe, is called, “Grace” and that grace will be your gift!

Gently, I smile as I realize,
The pangs of my pain
The wounds of my sufferings
Are transformed into
A tranquil river of love. ~Viola M. Jaynes