Spiritual Things Matter

We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love. ~Mother Teresa

As I looked through my jewelry box to pick out a necklace for the day, I was drawn to my gold, four-leaf clover necklace, which has great meaning for me. In a separate post on this blog called, “Love’s Mysteries,” I wrote how it came about that I acquired such a treasure. Please do read it if you desire to do so.

This little four-leaf gold clover pendant was a gift from a school teacher that I had in the 3rd-6th grade. We shared a special love for each other that could only be felt, but was never spoken of, until separation came. My dear friend is in her seventies now, living alone and I make a point to call her once a week. I could not afford this privilege in my younger years. Our conversations are meaningful, as we have shared many of our deepest thoughts and feelings for life itself. I love her dearly to this day.

As I left my orphanage in Germany to move to America, that pendant was a treasure that I held on to. I had never received a gift such as this, one that truly came from the heart. The emotions that came with it were filled with love, confusion, sadness and tears, and yet I cherished it because it acknowledged my existence on a deeper level to someone. I faced incredibly hard times with the family I came to live with and this pendant represented hope for better days ahead.

My father, whom I had only known for a short time, eventually divorced and left a very abusive and oppressive relationship behind, for which I was all too thankful. Much of the abuse and oppression was directed at me, as it seemed that this woman needed to vent her hate and anger out on someone.

A number of years later, when my father had made an effort to turn his life around and make a commitment to God, he began a new relationship with a lady, of whom I was also very fond. She was a woman minister and perhaps, that is what drew me to her. This relationship was not destined to last very long but as I look back, I took note of this longing that manifested itself in me.

When it looked like that my father and this very nice lady were developing a deeper relationship, I looked at this precious clover pendant and decided to give it as a gift to her. The hope it represented was something I wanted to give to her, as I knew she did not have an easy life herself - or perhaps, it was the hope I had all my life for a mother. I was only 16 years old and I was swept away with ideals and dreams, sentimentality and girlish notions of what it would mean to have a loving mother in my life. Foolishly, without further thought, I sat down and wrote a nice letter, telling her of the story behind this pendant. (Since I had only been speaking English for two years at that point, I wonder how many words I must have misspelled.) I then wrapped it nicely, and presented the gift to her with all the tenderness and love I had in me.

Over the years, I had regretted my short sightedness and wished that I had not given away such a priceless treasure. I had searched for this pendant after I found out that this lady had lost it or perhaps even given it away herself. I have never been able to find one like it and so after my daughter was born, I decided to have another one made. I drew a picture of the original as I had remembered it, and took it to a local jeweler. They did a nice enough job but its delicateness was not captured and of course, its meaning is not the same.

This four-leaf gold clover is a representation, however, of love that I received and love that I gave away. It is a reminder of love that I hoped for all my life and a vivid picture of how love is not packaged in a nice little neat box, but rather it can come to us mysteriously when least expected, suddenly, and in the most unusual ways. Those moments must be cherished as they reveal to us God’s divine hand in our lives. Those moments bring hope and activate faith in us with deep conviction, that life is far greater than what we simply see with our eyes.

As I have gotten older, I reflect on my relationships with women with whom I have come in contact with over the years. I recognize that my relationships with them have often been colored by the absence of a mother in my life and sometimes by my inward, often unconscious yearning for one. I have read a couple of books on “Motherless Daughters” and I wept as I recognized myself on its pages and began to understand myself better. The struggles with fear of rejection and dealing with rejection, from women especially - have been painful to say the least. Insecurities about our place in this world, desires for understanding and recognition, sharing too much, sharing not enough, and forging meaningful relationships, have all been dilemmas and emotions that I have profoundly lived and felt.

I have risen above many of those fears of abandonment and self-pity which I could only do through an honest relationship with God. More often than not, however, I would fall again and again on my knees with so much pain before I could find a clearer inward path for myself, as I would cry out in agony for God to help.

Be it as mother, a sister, a wife, a friend, a daughter, or a co-worker, I believe women have tremendous power in their lives. I think this power, when used lovingly and creatively can bring so much healing to others. It can bring comfort through sheer kindness and thoughtfulness. It can lift a spirit through a gentle touch and a warm embrace. It can bring clarity through the wisdom and insight we possess. Women’s sensitivity could bring so much harmony and peace into our world. In their commitment, women can bring great changes into their homes and into their societies through their unfailing devotion and prayer to God.

Many have had mothers they lost in some form or fashion. Many have had mothers by birth but for some reason or another, they were not able to truly nurture their child. Many in our world yearn for love, kindness and gentleness that they have lost or simply never received. It is amazing how much humanity would heal if they were given this gift of unselfish love freely. It is dangerous to judge people when you have never walked in their shoes, for further damage can ensue from such a choice. We are in this world to support and help each other along the way - not to judge. All of us have very limited understanding of the greater scheme of things and yes indeed, all of us have much, much work to do.

Through greater awareness and commitment to a spiritual life, it is amazing how many opportunities come our way where we can exercise kindness and compassion for another. Let us seize those opportunities - for the gift of love is freely given!

My pendant was given to me by someone who wanted to be my mother but could not. I gave it to someone who I wished could have given me a motherly love. I now wear it as a symbol, reminding me that I must no longer look outside of myself. The Kingdom of God is within and its radiating love far surpasses that of a well meaning, yet limited mother’s love - allowing my hopes and dreams to be set on things above. I am deeply humbled and thankful for God’s presence and love in my life.

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope. ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Many people with whom I come in contact are interested in what happened to my mother. Having a German accent, it is not easy to escape the questions of how it came about that I moved to America. Most of the time, I simply say it is a long story. Though, I do share my story when someone seems particularly interested. Many of my readers have asked some of these questions and thus, I will share this story with you today.

An elderly lady rented out an apartment in her house to my mother while my father, an American G.I., was stationed in Germany during the Berlin Crisis. This lady got to know my mother relatively well and at times would watch over me as a baby. My father eventually finished with his service in the Army and came back to the United States but could not bring my mother and me with him. I don’t know the reasons behind why we couldn’t come with him. Between 1-2 years old, I was put in an orphanage. My brothers (one is a year younger than I am, and my baby brother is about 3 years younger) were also, in time, put in the same orphanage. Eventually, my youngest brother was adopted out of that infant orphanage, and Jean and I were then transferred to a second orphanage for older children. My story, “An Easter Package,” on this blog tells the story of how Jean was adopted out as well. I stayed in the orphanage until I was 14 years old - at which time, my father had found me and brought me to the States.

This elderly lady, whom we called “Fraule,” came and visited us about every other Sunday in the orphanage. My mother had already moved out of her apartment and Fraule no longer had any contact with her. Once Jean and I were transferred to the second orphanage, she still would come to see us until I turned about six years old and then Jean and I would take the bus and the trolley from the orphanage to her house and back. I would always make sure that we sat close to the driver so he could tell us where to get off. After a while, I knew the route well. Fraule was, by that time, getting too old to make that trip, but still wanted us to come about every other weekend and also a week or two during vacations.

After Jean was adopted, I would make this trip alone and it became a pattern to which I became accustomed. One day, I arrived at Fraule’s house and as I passed the window, I noticed someone else was sitting in the kitchen with her. I walked in and Fraule introduced me to her. I said hello, but then proceeded to sit down to play with my toys. I kept looking at this woman feeling as though I knew her somehow. Something was different about her. At one point, she asked if I would sit on her lap, but I was way too shy for such a gesture and since I was used to living in an orphanage, we simply did not have that kind of closeness. I was embarrassed and turned her down. The lady frowned on that, but Fraule did not force the issue.

After this woman left, Fraule told me that she was my mother. I looked out of the window to see if I could see her one more time and I was able to watch as she walked away. Little did I know that this would be the only meeting with her for the rest of my life. It was a very strange feeling and I wondered why I did not live with her. Fraule explained that she had many problems and all I really ever learned about her were negative things. When Fraule would get irritated with me, she would always say, “You will grow up just like your mother.” Of course, I had no idea what that meant, but I knew it was not good.

My mother-in-law’s hobby is genealogy and she has become very good at it. She has been able to trace her own history back many generations. Both she and my husband have encouraged me to find my own family for years. About ten years ago, she gave me the name of a German woman who could possibly help me with that search. After a conversation with this woman on the phone, I hired her. In a very short time, she found my mother’s family living in a small town outside of Dresden, East Germany - grandparents, three uncles, an aunt and a number of cousins. I was also surprised to learn that I had another older half-brother whom I had never heard of before. Soon after my family was found, my husband and I flew to Dresden to meet them. It was an exciting time for me. My husband was 100% convinced that they were my family because they all had pointed chins like I do. Tickled with this obvious trait, I was convinced as well.

During our visit, we were treated like royalty and we had such a wonderful time together. However, it was during this visit that I was told about my mother. They said that she had defected from East Germany and left her son behind for her parents to raise and showed little interest in her family. Her brother, a former guard near the East/West German border, let her pass into West Germany for a day of “shopping.” Unfortunately, none of them had anything good to say about her. I was able to see some photos of her when she was younger, and I was surprised at just how much I look like her. For the first time, I felt compassion for this person and my heart went out to her.

After our return, my husband and I talked about my mother extensively, and we both agreed that this is still only one side of the story. Aside from various opinions, we didn’t truely know the conditions behind why my mother decided to leave for West Germany. I made the decision to locate her. I did in fact do so and began to write her letters. I would get answers periodically, but she never answered any questions and I realized that she simply could not face what had happened in her life. I then found out that she was suffering from lung cancer and had been put in the hospital for treatments. Two times, while in Nuernberg, I tried to visit her. Both times, she left until I was back in the States. One of those times, she even checked herself out from the hospital just before I arrived, and then checked herself back in once I had returned to the States.

I realized that she could not face me and I wanted to let her know that it was okay. I wrote her a letter and explained to her that not any kind of explanation was necessary. I have a good life, my own family and my own home. I have aspirations and hopes and all I wanted was to simply wish her peace of mind and wholeness in every area of her life. I ordered flowers for her hospital room a few times and then one day, I mustered the courage to actually call her on the telephone while she was in the hospital. I was so afraid because I had pictured in my mind this rough, harsh woman with a deep and tough voice due to all the stories that I had heard about her. However, as the phone rang, and she answered, I had on the other end of the line, a woman with a gentle and kind voice. It was not at all what I had expected.

I was sad for this person because for whatever reasons, she never could find a constructive path for herself. She had suffered in many ways and lost so much. I felt sad for her because her brokenness was deep and unrepairable in this lifetime. I felt sad for her because her natural beauty had been turned into a reflection of lost hope. I prayed for her daily. About a year after I made contact with her, she passed away. As I wept for her, I could only hope that she had found peace in her heart with God. I was reminded what Proverbs tells us, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” Prov. 13:12

In a strange way, in some form or fashion, I realized I loved her …. for she was my mother. She was the one who had given birth to me, she was the one who cared for me for that first year of my life. I look like her and yet the words that Fraule so often would say to me, “You will be just like your mother one day,” are words that have no meaning to me. I have been given a life filled with so much mystery, so much adventure and so much hunger to know God. I am deeply thankful for His grace and mercy in my life. I am indeed blessed!

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.~Paul Boese

Forgiveness is a virtue that grows and expands further the more it is practiced. It is a divine virtue that allows us to touch God Himself. It is through forgiveness that we have the opportunity to touch a human life in a profoundly personal way and perhaps change the course of that life forever. Forgiveness allows us to look at a human being in the rawness of its form and realize that this very rawness lies deep within ourselves. It is through this meeting of ourselves that judgement ceases.

Forgiveness does not mean, however, that we condone or participate in a path that brings pain and suffering to another. One must be wise to separate from such a path and to continue a journey towards greater understanding of love and peace.

I think of my mother, as I contemplate forgiveness. I had only met her one time for about one hour. At the time I did not even realize who she was until after she left and someone told me. In my heart of hearts, however, there seemed to be a recognition of sorts. Then about nine years ago, I started to search for her, primarily to gain understanding. I realized very quickly, however, that she was not able to look at her life and recall events as they were. I think it was just too painful for her. I made a decision to simply accept her as she was - no further questions were necessary. I did not want to add to her pain or to her burden.

When I was a child, I knew she lived only a few hours from where my orphanage was. Yet, I never received one visit from her, or a birthday greeting, or a Christmas remembrance. She signed papers for my brothers to be adopted and yet she never released papers for me to be adopted. It was painful to be left behind two times. When I left Germany to move to the United States, I did not get a farewell from her. When I married she was not there to wish me love’s blessings. When I had my babies, she was not there to welcome them into this world. I have felt an aloneness in my life as only a child who had no parents would feel. Somehow, I imagine, that having a mother covers so much pain and fear as her safe presence envelops a child’s journey into adulthood.

Shortly after I made contact with my mother, I found out that she was dying from lung cancer. As I made several attempts to go and visit her, she disappeared each time and only returned after she knew I had come back to the States. It was apparent she was fearful of our meeting. I sent flowers to the hospital to reach out with care, and I had my children draw pictures for her. I mustered the courage to call her on the phone only to be surprised how tender she sounded. I realized that I simply did not know this person. Her life was broken and I believe her heart was too. In my heart, I embraced her tenderly. I prayed that God might pour His warm, healing oil into the wounds that have gone deep into her soul. I prayed for a tender kiss on her brow as she lay awaiting to die. It was my mother and I had one more chance to touch her in some meaningful way. Once I had learned that she died, I wept. I was glad that her pain and suffering had ceased. She lived her life in how she perceived life. That was her journey, that was her understanding, and that was her path to grow.

I somehow realized that there was really nothing to forgive. I came through her womb, yet, it was never meant for me to grow with her presence by my side. Instead, my path has created in me a hunger and desire to search out meaning, wisdom,truth, love and God. It is a journey that I have chosen to take and in which I continue to grow. It is the only thing that has any real meaning for me and the only thing that makes any real sense.

On the cross, Christ said: “Forgive them, for they know not what they do”. It is ignorance that brings pain to this world and ignorance is what brings pain to each of our lives as we bring pain to each other.

When we bring forgiveness to a human life, it is like a heavy stone that has been changed into a light feather. It is now able to move and dance freely as the wind blows softly on it. It has found new freedom to express its beauty and grace. It has been transformed!

When we receive forgiveness from another, it is like a tender embrace and a warm smile to the soul. “All is well”, it says, “Journey on and let the light of God illuminate your understanding!”

Forgiveness is a treasure that all of us have been given. It is a gift to ourselves, a gift to others and a gift to be received. Forgiveness is the revealing of Divine Love! It is in that Love that all ignorance melts away, and a new dawning has begun. With deep abiding peace we then can say, “God had made no mistakes”!

Viola Jaynes