Spiritual Things Matter

Oh, that silence! That which so intensifies my pain.
Silence drives me to search for a voice that brings comforting reassurance and understanding to a heart that cannot speak. A voice of one who knows the pain of too much love and too much brokenness. A voice of one who understands the human heart with all its potential for light and darkness. This voice I listen for will speak like a slow in-coming wave, with its powerful and majestic thunder-like peace.

It will say:

Speak and withhold nothing.
Speak clearly of that which lies so heavy upon your heart.
Speak, and I will listen, intently and thoughtfully.

Do not hold back, but speak – you who are like a broken arrow,
that you may once again pierce through the impossible.
That you may fly with precision and purpose through that infinite distance
for which you have been created.
Speak, though your chin may quiver as the forces are loosened and the dams are broken.
Speak, oh broken arrow, that you may land in that which has found its purpose in you.

Oh, let that deep wound heal now!
Let your weeping voice pour out;
Let each drop of those tears fill the hollow spaces that your wound has brought to light. May those spaces feel the warmth of your tears
As they penetrate through the driest barriers,
And let its salt become as a healing ointment, filling all empty spaces with understanding and love.

Speak!

Withhold not your deepest of thoughts.
For if you withhold even one thought,
it awaits again, in a silent reservoir
Filling it with your tears as your heart weeps once more,
For it has no place to go but deeper within you,
Making still deeper and wider those empty spaces.

Speak therefore!
Find your long-awaited peace!
Speak now.

~Viola M. Jaynes
March 2008

To weep is to make less the depth of grief. ~William Shakespeare

The land of tears is a mysterious place as each shy tear droplet expresses the beauty of its pain or joy. Tears cleanse our souls and powerfully release the pressure we feel in our daily lives. Tears help us focus our vision and our purpose. It gives us the ability to hear and feel our heart again.

Tears need to be shed as they help the body and soul to cleanse many toxins of bitterness and anger, and of disappointments and shame. Tears help our other organs to stay free of dis-ease and sickness, for if we cannot weep, the body will begin weeping itself. The saltiness of our tears helps to remind us of its cleansing power. Life’s humbling agent has bent us only to discover that our tears have brought new strength again.

I think of those that weep for their marriage wondering if relief will ever come to their private and lonely pain, and longing and praying for oneness and togetherness in its truest form. At the same time, however, they perhaps realize that the shaping of their own character is the forming of a carefully created art piece, and the searching for lasting answers is but a deeper search into their own soul. Love that desires to mature will shed many tears as the changes of life bring new dimensions of truth.

I think of the many parents that weep over their children as they continually search for ways to instill in them an understanding of what is right and what is wrong – making many of their own mistakes in this difficult process of parenting. Many will soak their pillows as they experience their child growing and finding greater independence, often pushing away parental guidance. The fear of loss and control brings many to bitter tears. Yet, perhaps a realization and a finding of their deeper selves will bring thanksgiving into their hearts, and the understanding that our children are never truly ours, but have been given into our care – for only a short season.

My musings take me to lovers. Tears express the language of love, which brings such joy and pain to so many. Innumerable tears will be shed as they learn that the other can never be possessed and that the value of separateness will bring value to their togetherness. Love must always be willing to give as much space as the other requires, for it is in this space that a realization of the gift given draws one back into the circle of togetherness. It is there that a new dance of love can begin again.

It seems to me that those with greater awareness and understanding will weep many tears. For they have been given the gift of greater responsibility. Only with diligence and commitment to yet a deeper and higher purpose will they understand that the solving of human dilemmas can never come from their limited resources, wit, and cleverness. Wisdom cries out – for its effect is far beyond human intellect. It is available to all those who seek it. May their humility give them even greater insight to assit men and women, and boys and girls every where.

With a grieving heart I am ever so aware that as war prevails in our world due to the pride of men, many tears are shed for the loss of precious and innocent lives. The pain of such a loss goes deep, and only the healing balm of God’s grace can mend such broken hearts. Too many children suffer the injustices brought on by a failing system and by failing adults. Those who survive the deep wounds of war are left with a mind tortured by memories too dark and painful to bring to the forefront. And it is precisely then that true healers are needed – those who understand how to till the ground which has hardened during the driest of times; those who have the keenest understanding of how to teach that soul to let go and to let tears flow freely once again. I pray for the peace that this world so desperately needs.

I ponder about the many elderly who have been forgotten and are alone. Their tears flow with many regrets wondering if they could have lived life differently. At the same time, others will shed tears of joy as they see the fruit of their own diligent labor and prayers flourish and thrive. They will not fear death, but will await it with wonderment and thanksgiving.

I know that the downtrodden and lonely hearts cry tears of their own perceived inadequacies. Too often they wonder what it is that they could ever offer this world. Yet, it is in these humble souls that the purity of prayer is heard and answered. Their silent strength is a great gift to this world.

Oh how utterly aware I am that we all will shed many tears due to our frailties, our weaknesses, and our lack of courage. May we find the strength to forgive ourselves. These tears will teach us empathy and forgiveness as we become sensitive in knowing that each person carries a burden. This understanding is the path to forgive others. It is in this continued searching for greater wisdom, courage, and strength that life can be well lived. Our own courage will be realized as we express our regrets to those we have injured. It may be the most healing and meaningful gift we could ever offer – not only to ourselves but also to the other. I pray that we may never fear to be transparent for it is in our tears of honesty, new strength in truth is found.

At the end of this life, it will not have mattered what my profession was and how many wonderful things I have accomplished on this earth. Who I was will have mattered -for it will have left a lasting affect.

Tears are truly a gift – a wonderful gift to ourselves.

The absolute value of love makes life worth while, and so makes man’s strange and difficult situations acceptable. Love cannot save life from death; but it can fulfill life’s purpose. ~ Arnold J. Toynbee

All around the globe, Valentine’s Day was celebrated this month as an acknowledgement of that special someone in our lives. In this country, that celebration has extended beyond that romance partner to include all those people that play a special role in our lives. We give flowers, cards, chocolate, and perhaps for some, a more meaningful and lasting gift.

In the midst of all those fuzzy feelings floating around, I was ever so keenly aware that there is yet another dimension to love that is not so readily seen. You see, I believe that certain people are placed into our lives, perhaps just for a season, or, perhaps much longer. They are placed into our care, our soul-care, if you will. Those are the people whom we want to elevate and inspire. These are the people we want to be there for and to encourage.  These are the people that we always remember in our prayers.  At the same time, I believe that we are also placed into someone else’s care, someone else’s soul-care. It is that person, or those people, who will stand with us no matter what. They somehow understand us, accept us, pray for us, and see us through our own “dark night of the soul.”  Such a gift cannot be bought at any price.

My mind goes back to August, 1976, when I experienced such a relationship as a 14 year-old girl.

I was upstairs in my bedroom folding my clothes and getting ready to pack to move to America.  My father, an American, had found me in an orphanage in Augsburg, Germany.  As I was packing, I noted that I was filled with such varied emotions of excitement, fear, trepidation, and sadness of leaving my friends behind.  My thoughts were interrupted by the voices of the children calling me from downstairs, letting me know I had a visitor.  It was not a usual occurrence that we had visitors, and thus, it took me by great surprise.

I proceeded to go downstairs when I saw a teacher standing at the bottom of the staircase.  I could see her white teeth as she greeted me with such familiarity and warmth.  This was a school teacher whom I had in third through sixth grade.  Her name was Anneliese Reisberg.  You see, I loved this teacher with all my heart and yet I kept that love tucked away as a secret.  I had felt embarrassed and ashamed of it, because after all, she was just my teacher.  One of my favorite things she used to do is put her hand on the back of my neck each time I was being mischievous.  She did it with such tenderness, and in this way, I believe she revealed her heart to me.  Perhaps, being mischievous came just a little easier because of it.  Walking further down the stairs, I noticed she had a letter and a gift in her hand.  She explained that the children at the school told her that I was moving to America and she had wanted to come to the orphanage so she could say goodbye and to wish me well.  As she handed me the letter and the gift, she embraced me tight.  I was speechless, and my face had turned completely red.  Our last goodbye was quick.  She left and I proceeded to go back upstairs to read my letter and to open my gift.

I closed the door behind me and sat on my bed.  I began to read that letter, and tears quickly welled up in my eyes.  The lines I was reading revealed to me what I had felt in my heart for four years:  I was special to her as well.  She explained to me that she had wanted to adopt me but could not because of her own home life situation.  She felt it would have been unfair to me.  I then opened my gift and began to weep even more as I pulled out a tiny four-leaf clover pendant.  It was crafted with exquisite delicateness and given with such love.  I kept it for years before it was lost, and after the birth of my daughter, I had a new one made for her to keep someday.  During my early years in this country, I would read her letter over and over again, folding it and unfolding it, each time soaking it in my own tears.  One day, it simply crumbled in my hands as I tried to unfold it once more.

This love came with a bittersweet price.  Our relationship was never meant to be a mother-daughter relationship even though we both had wanted that.  As we both have grown in this mystical relationship, we both have realized that we have been given into each others care, into each others soul-care.

Love comes to us as a gift.  With it will come the most exquisite feelings of joy, of happiness, of fulfillment, and most of all, of belonging.  Yet, nothing in this life time can purge us in the way that pain, which love can bring into our lives, can.  It will take us to the very heights and to the very depths of our soul.  It will stun us into complete silence for a time.  Yet I say, oh how wonderful it is to be able to love!

And though it’s pangs are strong and fierce,
Let us never fear to love again and again,
Until we melt into its very essence.

~Viola Jaynes

^{Photograph by: Sandy Carlson}

Quite suddenly there comes a time
When someone enters our life
Who so changes all that we are.
They invade our mind, our thoughts;
They find a direct path,
Piercing with such precision
Into the very center of us.

It is frightening
As the heart throbs with such passion.
Frightening,
As the mind races with unending longing.
Maddening, so maddening
As all else fades into a distant backdrop,
Leaving one utterly dumbfounded with confusion.

Such encounters are never forgotten.
Their presence etches a mark
Deep into our weeping hearts.
Perhaps with a cry, pleading to flee as far as possible,
Or, perhaps our tears long to heal its bitter parting;
For surely this rare encounter fades into a foggy distance
Never to be embraced again.

Viola Jaynes
Feb. 2009