The Four-Leaf Clover
We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love. ~Mother Teresa
As I looked through my jewelry box to pick out a necklace for the day, I was drawn to my gold, four-leaf clover necklace, which has great meaning for me. In a separate post on this blog called, “Love’s Mysteries,” I wrote how it came about that I acquired such a treasure. Please do read it if you desire to do so.
This little four-leaf gold clover pendant was a gift from a school teacher that I had in the 3rd-6th grade. We shared a special love for each other that could only be felt, but was never spoken of, until separation came. My dear friend is in her seventies now, living alone and I make a point to call her once a week. I could not afford this privilege in my younger years. Our conversations are meaningful, as we have shared many of our deepest thoughts and feelings for life itself. I love her dearly to this day.
As I left my orphanage in Germany to move to America, that pendant was a treasure that I held on to. I had never received a gift such as this, one that truly came from the heart. The emotions that came with it were filled with love, confusion, sadness and tears, and yet I cherished it because it acknowledged my existence on a deeper level to someone. I faced incredibly hard times with the family I came to live with and this pendant represented hope for better days ahead.
My father, whom I had only known for a short time, eventually divorced and left a very abusive and oppressive relationship behind, for which I was all too thankful. Much of the abuse and oppression was directed at me, as it seemed that this woman needed to vent her hate and anger out on someone.
A number of years later, when my father had made an effort to turn his life around and make a commitment to God, he began a new relationship with a lady, of whom I was also very fond. She was a woman minister and perhaps, that is what drew me to her. This relationship was not destined to last very long but as I look back, I took note of this longing that manifested itself in me.
When it looked like that my father and this very nice lady were developing a deeper relationship, I looked at this precious clover pendant and decided to give it as a gift to her. The hope it represented was something I wanted to give to her, as I knew she did not have an easy life herself - or perhaps, it was the hope I had all my life for a mother. I was only 16 years old and I was swept away with ideals and dreams, sentimentality and girlish notions of what it would mean to have a loving mother in my life. Foolishly, without further thought, I sat down and wrote a nice letter, telling her of the story behind this pendant. (Since I had only been speaking English for two years at that point, I wonder how many words I must have misspelled.) I then wrapped it nicely, and presented the gift to her with all the tenderness and love I had in me.
Over the years, I had regretted my short sightedness and wished that I had not given away such a priceless treasure. I had searched for this pendant after I found out that this lady had lost it or perhaps even given it away herself. I have never been able to find one like it and so after my daughter was born, I decided to have another one made. I drew a picture of the original as I had remembered it, and took it to a local jeweler. They did a nice enough job but its delicateness was not captured and of course, its meaning is not the same.
This four-leaf gold clover is a representation, however, of love that I received and love that I gave away. It is a reminder of love that I hoped for all my life and a vivid picture of how love is not packaged in a nice little neat box, but rather it can come to us mysteriously when least expected, suddenly, and in the most unusual ways. Those moments must be cherished as they reveal to us God’s divine hand in our lives. Those moments bring hope and activate faith in us with deep conviction, that life is far greater than what we simply see with our eyes.
As I have gotten older, I reflect on my relationships with women with whom I have come in contact with over the years. I recognize that my relationships with them have often been colored by the absence of a mother in my life and sometimes by my inward, often unconscious yearning for one. I have read a couple of books on “Motherless Daughters” and I wept as I recognized myself on its pages and began to understand myself better. The struggles with fear of rejection and dealing with rejection, from women especially - have been painful to say the least. Insecurities about our place in this world, desires for understanding and recognition, sharing too much, sharing not enough, and forging meaningful relationships, have all been dilemmas and emotions that I have profoundly lived and felt.
I have risen above many of those fears of abandonment and self-pity which I could only do through an honest relationship with God. More often than not, however, I would fall again and again on my knees with so much pain before I could find a clearer inward path for myself, as I would cry out in agony for God to help.
Be it as mother, a sister, a wife, a friend, a daughter, or a co-worker, I believe women have tremendous power in their lives. I think this power, when used lovingly and creatively can bring so much healing to others. It can bring comfort through sheer kindness and thoughtfulness. It can lift a spirit through a gentle touch and a warm embrace. It can bring clarity through the wisdom and insight we possess. Women’s sensitivity could bring so much harmony and peace into our world. In their commitment, women can bring great changes into their homes and into their societies through their unfailing devotion and prayer to God.
Many have had mothers they lost in some form or fashion. Many have had mothers by birth but for some reason or another, they were not able to truly nurture their child. Many in our world yearn for love, kindness and gentleness that they have lost or simply never received. It is amazing how much humanity would heal if they were given this gift of unselfish love freely. It is dangerous to judge people when you have never walked in their shoes, for further damage can ensue from such a choice. We are in this world to support and help each other along the way - not to judge. All of us have very limited understanding of the greater scheme of things and yes indeed, all of us have much, much work to do.
Through greater awareness and commitment to a spiritual life, it is amazing how many opportunities come our way where we can exercise kindness and compassion for another. Let us seize those opportunities - for the gift of love is freely given!
My pendant was given to me by someone who wanted to be my mother but could not. I gave it to someone who I wished could have given me a motherly love. I now wear it as a symbol, reminding me that I must no longer look outside of myself. The Kingdom of God is within and its radiating love far surpasses that of a well meaning, yet limited mother’s love - allowing my hopes and dreams to be set on things above. I am deeply humbled and thankful for God’s presence and love in my life.
